A Dead Principal, A Hospice Nurse at Book Club and A Good Friend
by Judy Bachrach
JANUARY 20, 2010 TAGS:
Dear Judy,
Our principal just died. He was awful. He used to pick on some of the kids for absolutely no reason. They got detention just because he didn't like them.
There are kids in our high school who everybody knows do lots of drugs and don't even bother to hide what they're doing, and he never even punished them because their parents had money, so there's a big difference in the way he treated some of us and the way he treated others.
Now that he's dead I want to cheer, especially because we have a new principal who seems a lot nicer. My mother says I can't go around showing how I feel, and also that I should write you for advice. I think, why should I act like a hypocrite, pretending that it's awful he's dead? Especially since I think it's great and so do a lot of my friends.
Who's right?
Terri
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Dear Terri,
Your mother's right.
Here's why: Let's say you go around showing how thrilled you are that the principal is dead -- who's that going to impress?
Convince? Kids who disliked your late principal are still going to dislike him. Those who got away with smoking dope on school property are going to think his passing was a full-blown tragedy.
Also, consider this: The new principal, who is nice, might not be impressed by someone cheering her predecessor's death.
No one says you have to be a hypocrite. No sense in coming to school in black or weeping copiously, if you don't feel like it. But sometimes saying nothing about an event is the smartest thing anyone can do.
Thanks for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
I belong to a book club full of interesting women: A divorce lawyer, a judge, and a hospice nurse are among our members. Our problem is the hospice nurse. We call her Nurse Death – behind her back, of course!
Whatever the book -- and it isn't only modern books, we've just read Anna Karenina, for instance -- the subject always turns somehow to death. And to her hospice. And her patients. And her.
Above all, her. Her emotion, her reactions, her advice, her family.
Maybe her job with its stresses is taking its toll. I don't know. We try to turn the conversations back to the books at hand, or to some other subject, but invariably it's back to her and her issues.
It's gotten so one of our members often doesn't come. She finds the ramblings of Nurse Death boring, she says; she'd like to concentrate on books.
I agree with her. So is it up to me, as the group's founder, to take the hospice nurse aside and let her have it? Or should I put it more delicately?
I don't want to be impolite. But I also don't want to have a lot of no-shows because she hogs the discussions.
Joanne
Dear Joanne,
Yes, I'll bet anything your hospice nurse is under a lot of stress. Working day in/day out among the dying can do that to a person.
Obviously your book club is not the place for her to work on all that stress, and just as obviously you, as the founder, have to take matters in hand.
I'd take the nurse aside and explain that other members, while appreciating her discussions, would like to talk mainly about the books themselves. She may bridle at this. She may even threaten to quit. If this occurs, by all means don't try to dissuade her.
Another tactic: When she launches into one of her long anecdotes, politely but firmly explain that time is short, and it's essential now to return to a discussion of whatever book has been assigned to the group.
I think that should do it.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
You're going to think I'm selfish, but I'm not. When the lover of my close friend was dying, I did everything for her. Took her to the hairdresser, straightened out her drawers, accompanied her to the hospital.
I didn't expect much in return, and I certainly didn't get it. My mother is now dying of congestive heart failure, and I don't hear a word out of my so-called friend. Not a note, not a visit, not a bunch of flowers.
She knows my mother is very ill because I called to tell her months ago. At the time she said she was sorry and would help out.
So why hasn't she? Should I even speak to her again?
Eileen
Dear Eileen,
I don't know your friend. But I do know this: There are people who have to be asked before they'll help.
I know that sounds awful, considering the time and care you put into helping your good friend -- without being asked -- while her lover was dying. But friendships are valuable. So before breaking off this one, give her another call and another chance at reciprocity.
Spell out what you need. Then tell her the days on which you need help and what kind of assistance would be most valuable.
My bet is with that kind of specific information at her disposal, she'll come through.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
Our principal just died. He was awful. He used to pick on some of the kids for absolutely no reason. They got detention just because he didn't like them.
There are kids in our high school who everybody knows do lots of drugs and don't even bother to hide what they're doing, and he never even punished them because their parents had money, so there's a big difference in the way he treated some of us and the way he treated others.
Now that he's dead I want to cheer, especially because we have a new principal who seems a lot nicer. My mother says I can't go around showing how I feel, and also that I should write you for advice. I think, why should I act like a hypocrite, pretending that it's awful he's dead? Especially since I think it's great and so do a lot of my friends.
Who's right?
Terri
Dear Terri,Your mother's right.
Here's why: Let's say you go around showing how thrilled you are that the principal is dead -- who's that going to impress?
Convince? Kids who disliked your late principal are still going to dislike him. Those who got away with smoking dope on school property are going to think his passing was a full-blown tragedy.
Also, consider this: The new principal, who is nice, might not be impressed by someone cheering her predecessor's death.
No one says you have to be a hypocrite. No sense in coming to school in black or weeping copiously, if you don't feel like it. But sometimes saying nothing about an event is the smartest thing anyone can do.
Thanks for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
I belong to a book club full of interesting women: A divorce lawyer, a judge, and a hospice nurse are among our members. Our problem is the hospice nurse. We call her Nurse Death – behind her back, of course!
Whatever the book -- and it isn't only modern books, we've just read Anna Karenina, for instance -- the subject always turns somehow to death. And to her hospice. And her patients. And her.
Above all, her. Her emotion, her reactions, her advice, her family.
Maybe her job with its stresses is taking its toll. I don't know. We try to turn the conversations back to the books at hand, or to some other subject, but invariably it's back to her and her issues.
It's gotten so one of our members often doesn't come. She finds the ramblings of Nurse Death boring, she says; she'd like to concentrate on books.
I agree with her. So is it up to me, as the group's founder, to take the hospice nurse aside and let her have it? Or should I put it more delicately?
I don't want to be impolite. But I also don't want to have a lot of no-shows because she hogs the discussions.
Joanne
Dear Joanne,
Yes, I'll bet anything your hospice nurse is under a lot of stress. Working day in/day out among the dying can do that to a person.
Obviously your book club is not the place for her to work on all that stress, and just as obviously you, as the founder, have to take matters in hand.
I'd take the nurse aside and explain that other members, while appreciating her discussions, would like to talk mainly about the books themselves. She may bridle at this. She may even threaten to quit. If this occurs, by all means don't try to dissuade her.
Another tactic: When she launches into one of her long anecdotes, politely but firmly explain that time is short, and it's essential now to return to a discussion of whatever book has been assigned to the group.
I think that should do it.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
You're going to think I'm selfish, but I'm not. When the lover of my close friend was dying, I did everything for her. Took her to the hairdresser, straightened out her drawers, accompanied her to the hospital.
I didn't expect much in return, and I certainly didn't get it. My mother is now dying of congestive heart failure, and I don't hear a word out of my so-called friend. Not a note, not a visit, not a bunch of flowers.
She knows my mother is very ill because I called to tell her months ago. At the time she said she was sorry and would help out.
So why hasn't she? Should I even speak to her again?
Eileen
Dear Eileen,
I don't know your friend. But I do know this: There are people who have to be asked before they'll help.
I know that sounds awful, considering the time and care you put into helping your good friend -- without being asked -- while her lover was dying. But friendships are valuable. So before breaking off this one, give her another call and another chance at reciprocity.
Spell out what you need. Then tell her the days on which you need help and what kind of assistance would be most valuable.
My bet is with that kind of specific information at her disposal, she'll come through.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
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AN AWFUL PATIENT, RESTORING BEAUTY AND THANK YOU NOTES
A STEPFATHER'S NEGLECT, A CHRISTIAN BURIAL AND A DYING TWIN
A DISTANT BOYFRIEND, PRE-NEED QUESTIONS AND HUSBAND IN A COMA
A MISTRESS CALLS, A FRIEND'S MOTHER AND BEING THERE
THE LIMITS OF CARE, SUMMER CHOICES AND CHURCH GIVING
WHEN TO STAY AT HOME, WHEN TO VISIT
AN OLDER FIANCE, TO SUE OR NOT TO SUE AND DISAPPEARING MALICE
MYTHIC PLANS, OFFICE COLLECTIONS AND BEING POLITE
CHILDHOOD GRIEF, A TWIN'S DEATH AND A STEP-DAUGHTER GRIPES
CELEBRATING LIFE AND NEARING THE END
AN OLD SCHOOL MAMA, A CHEATING HUSBAND AND A MOUTHY NEIGHBOR
SOCIAL REJECTION, A CHATTY DOORMAN AND POLITICAL DISPUTES
FINDING SUPPORT, A JEALOUS WIFE AND A BORING WAKE
AN AILING MOTHER OVERSEAS AND A SCHEMING BROTHER
AN ACCIDENTAL SUICIDE, A NEW WIFE AND THE LONG HAUL
A BIOLOGICAL FATHER, HEAVEN, HELL AND UNSOCIABLE STEPMOTHER
POWER OF ATTORNEY, A LIVING WILL AND A BAD-MOUTHING MOTHER
EXTREME DRIVING, TALKING TO A DEAD HUSBAND AND FEARING A SON
A LOYAL/MALICIOUS AUNT, VISITING A VICIOUS SISTER AND A LOVER'S FUNERAL
A FATHER IN JAIL, A CLASSMATE'S FUNERAL AND A PASTOR'S LAMENT
HIDDEN RAGE, A DISAPPEARING HUSBAND AND A CONDO IN PHOENIX
THE MISDIAGNOSIS, QUITTING SMOKING AND SMOKING AT THE END
MY DAD'S LAST NAME, A RUSSIAN LAST NAME AND A ROTTEN FRIEND
A WEEPY CLASSMATE, FROM BEDSIDE TO HONG KONG AND A VICIOUS MOTHER
HOW DO I TELL MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER THAT HER FATHER IS DYING OF CANCER?
A SMOKER, A PAIR OF EARRINGS AND THE AFTERLIFE
WHAT DOES DEATH LOOK LIKE, A SURVIVOR'S BOASTS AND VISITING A DYING BROTHER
HEAVY GYM TALK, DRUGS THAT HASTEN DEATH AND A MISTRESS REVEALED
A DISRESPECTED ONCOLOGIST, A GRIEVING HOUSEKEEPER AND IMPROPER CONDOLENCES
AN ESTRANGED UNCLE, A SCHIZOPHRENIC MOM AND PROBLEMS WITH A JUG
THE HALO EFFECT AND FORGETTING A DEATH
A DRESS TO DIE FOR, A BRAGGART GRIEVES AND AN ANNIVERSARY PARTY
NO THANK YOU NOTE, HIRING PEOPLE WITH CANCER AND HONORING A STEPFATHER
A FIRST CLASS BODY, THE DEATH RATTLE AND HELPING A FAMILY FRIEND
A NEEDY SISTER, FURIOUS STEP-CHILDREN AND WHY WE TALK ABOUT DEATH
A STEPMOTHER'S ODD REQUESTS, PAYING BACK A LOAN AND HALLUCINATIONS AT THE END
PRETENDING HIS WIFE IS DEAD, A LAST WILL AND WHAT TO SAY
DYING IN THE SADDLE, CREMATION PROBLEMS AND A MOTHER'S MENTAL ILLNESS
MY LATE BOYFRIEND'S PARENTS, PROBLEMS WITH A WILL AND HOW TO LISTEN
THOUSANDS OF MILES FROM A LOVED ONE, AN ABSENT COUSIN AND MAKING PLANS
REFUSING TO MAKE END-OF-LIFE-DECISIONS AND PLANNING A SENSIBLE FUNERAL
GRIEVING FOR A POODLE, SHOPPING FOR HOSPICE AND HAVING TROUBLE WITH A SPIRITUAL COUNSELOR
A CHILD MOLESTER, A DYING FRIEND AND MISSTEPS IN FRONT OF A WIDOW
A POLITICIAN'S DEMISE, A WIDOW'S FINANCES AND ADVICE FOR A SIMPLE FUNERAL
THE METAPHYSICS OF ASH SCATTERING, A LIVING WILL AND A SILENT FRIEND
A DEADBEAT BROTHER, SPURNED IN-LAWS, AND THE ANNOYANCE OF CONSTANT COMPANY
A TYRANNICAL WIDOWER, EMAIL DEATH NOTIFICATION AND AN ILLEGITIMATE CHILD RETURNS
DO I HAVE TO PAY FOR MY PARENTS' FUNERALS?
OFFICE GIFT GIVING GOES AWRY, OVERSEAS EXPENSES AND A CAR CRASH
TOO MANY VISITORS, ADVICE FOR A HOSPICE WORKER AND A CHILD'S ROOM
A HAPPY WIDOW, QUICK DEATHS AND A LINGERING VOICEMAIL MESSAGE
A SON'S PARTNER IN THE FAMILY VAULT, REPRESSED MEMORIES OF ABUSE AND HELL
THE PLEASURES OF CHEESECAKE, A VACATION FROM DEATH AND DYING AT HOME
A NANNY'S LAMENT, A PEDESTRIAN'S DEATH AND A MOTORCYCLE
GIVING UP, THE NEEDY WIDOW AND A FORGOTTEN LEGACY
THE MAN WHO BROKE MY HEART, A CHURCH SCANDAL AND A CALLOUS COUSIN
MY CRAZY SISTER, A WHACKO CHARITY AND WHETHER TO BRING A CHILD TO A FUNERAL
A MURDERED MOM, QUICK WILLS AND RECOVERING FROM HOSPICE
A FRIEND SUFFERS ALONE, CREMATION AND JUDAISM, AND A LONELY CARETAKER
JUDGING LUNG CANCER, GLOATING AT A FUNERAL AND BUYING AN URN
A SECOND OPINION, THE OVERSHARING WIDOWER AND A GUILTY MOTHER
DEBUNKING FUNERAL MYTHS, FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOUR EX, AND A BOOZER FIANCE
ENDING YOUR LIFE, LATE CONDOLENCES, AND CALLOUS CO-WORKERS
A FATHER'S NEW GIRLFRIEND, A DEMANDING WIFE AND REFUSING CANCER TREATMENT
LIVING WILL TROUBLE, A HUSBAND DIES IN JAIL AND A NEW WAY TO BEQUEATH
IN LOVE WITH A WIDOWER, TERMINAL DEPRESSION AND BUCKING DEPENDENCY
GUILT FOR PAST DEEDS, A SICK TEACHER AND RECOVERING A PAIR OF EARRINGS
DEALING WITH DENIAL, A MOTHER'S MALICE AND A WAYWARD WIDOWER
HIDING THE D-WORD, WHEN TO TELL THE KIDS AND HOW TO AVOID SPEAKING AT A FUNERAL
FORMER LOVERS, PRAYERS LEFT UNSAID AND MOVING TO NEW HOUSE
AT A LOSS FOR WORDS, SIBLING DISCORD AND HAVING A BABY
A MANGY DOG, THE DEATH OF A LITTLE SISTER AND DONATING A MOTHER'S STUFF
A PUSHY PRIEST, SUSPICIOUS DENTAL WORK AND GETTING A FRIEND'S GROOVE BACK
AN ENEMY AT WORK FALLS ILL, THE BIG NOTHING AND DENYING THE INEVITABLE
A MISTRESS'S GRIEF, DEMENTIA'S TOLL AND GOSSIP AT THE DEATHBED
DIFFERING VALUES, PRIVATE GOODBYES AND RECURRENT MEMORIES OF 9/11
TROUBLE WITH AN OUT-OF-TOWN RELATIVE, INVASIVE QUESTIONS AND EXPENSIVE SUPPORT
STEP-FATHERS, ABUSIVE EX'S AND DO NOT RESUSCITATE ORDERS
MOTHERS-IN-LAW, UNEXPECTED CHANGES AND HEALTH ANXIETY
DESERVED AFFECTION, THE FAMILY ACCOUNTANT AND ICE CREAM
OUT-OF-TOWN BURIAL, CONDOLENCE NOTES AND EARLY ONSET ALZHEIMER'S
HOW LONG TO STAY, A USED CAR AND A DYING EX-HUSBAND
PAYING THE MORTGAGE AND GRAND THEFT JEWELRY
SYMPATHY CARDS, ASSISTING SUICIDE AND INAPPROPRIATE FUNERAL WEAR
ENERGY, GRIEVING AND MEMORY, JUDY'S THIRD COLUMN
EATING, ANGER AND ATHEISTS, ASK JUDY'S SECOND COLUMN
BIRTHDAYS, GUILT AND SUICIDE, ASK JUDY'S FIRST COLUMN
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