A Dress to Die For, A Braggart Grieves and an Anniversary Party
DECEMBER 22, 2009 TAGS:
Dear Judy,
Maybe this makes me sound crass, I don't know. My grandmother has this beautiful pale silver gown, which she wore years ago on her fifth anniversary. It's floor-length, silk, and it still shimmers when you move. I know because I've put it on (she told me to try and see if it fit. And it did. I look great in it).
She always said it was mine when she died, and I believed her. Now she tells me she wants to be buried in it when she dies. She has high blood pressure that is out of control and a very bad heart, so I guess it won't be long.
Should I say something about the dress? I love my grandmother, but it's such a waste to bury it. It really is beautiful.
Katie
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Dear Katie,
In my opinion, you should be concerned about is your beloved grandmother's out-of-control blood pressure more than her floor-length dress. That's something that needs immediate medical attention. You also might accompany her to the doctor and see what, if anything, can be done to improve her heart condition, which I notice you didn't specify.
About the dress: It's hers.
Buy your own.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
A pretty good friend is the daughter of a famous man who recently died at age 90. I won't name him: He was in the entertainment industry, and he knew everybody else who was famous too, young and old.
Not a day goes by, that I don't hear about which famous name sent her condolences, or a lavish spray of flowers, or just phoned.
My friend was never on that good terms with her father anyway, and I'm pretty sure she doesn't know these Names very well. I am
sick of hearing about all these celebrities whom she barely knows!
What should I say about this hypocritical situation?
What should I do?
Leila
Dear Leila:
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
My best friend's husband died last year: brain cancer. We all helped out during the bad times, bringing her food, comfort -- even driving her to church, when she didn't feel up to it. She works for a living (she's an RN with a lot of private clients) so eventually she got back to doing what she does best, and things calmed down.
Now she wants us all to celebrate the anniversary of her late husband's death. Once again we're supposed to bring food, wine, CDs. Also we're supposed to rent a public space and help pay for the whole thing. (I'm not kidding, Judy, she really said that: "Take up a collection.")
Personally, I don't want to. But a lot of our mutual friends are doing everything she suggested, including chipping in on the costs.
What do you think is appropriate?
Stacey
Dear Stacey,
Appropriate???
Not one thing about your friend's proposed celebration is appropriate -- except the party itself. What you call your friend's "suggestions" I call strong-arming.
I think your instincts are correct. Do exactly what you feel comfortable doing. If you want to make a dish for friends to enjoy at the event or buy a bottle of wine, go ahead. If you don't -- don't.
And as for passing around the hat, don't even consider it if it makes you uncomfortable, which it clearly does.
Thanks for writing,
Judy
Maybe this makes me sound crass, I don't know. My grandmother has this beautiful pale silver gown, which she wore years ago on her fifth anniversary. It's floor-length, silk, and it still shimmers when you move. I know because I've put it on (she told me to try and see if it fit. And it did. I look great in it).
She always said it was mine when she died, and I believed her. Now she tells me she wants to be buried in it when she dies. She has high blood pressure that is out of control and a very bad heart, so I guess it won't be long.
Should I say something about the dress? I love my grandmother, but it's such a waste to bury it. It really is beautiful.
Katie
Dear Katie,In my opinion, you should be concerned about is your beloved grandmother's out-of-control blood pressure more than her floor-length dress. That's something that needs immediate medical attention. You also might accompany her to the doctor and see what, if anything, can be done to improve her heart condition, which I notice you didn't specify.
About the dress: It's hers.
Buy your own.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
A pretty good friend is the daughter of a famous man who recently died at age 90. I won't name him: He was in the entertainment industry, and he knew everybody else who was famous too, young and old.
Not a day goes by, that I don't hear about which famous name sent her condolences, or a lavish spray of flowers, or just phoned.
My friend was never on that good terms with her father anyway, and I'm pretty sure she doesn't know these Names very well. I am
sick of hearing about all these celebrities whom she barely knows!
What should I say about this hypocritical situation?
What should I do?
Leila
Dear Leila:
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
My best friend's husband died last year: brain cancer. We all helped out during the bad times, bringing her food, comfort -- even driving her to church, when she didn't feel up to it. She works for a living (she's an RN with a lot of private clients) so eventually she got back to doing what she does best, and things calmed down.
Now she wants us all to celebrate the anniversary of her late husband's death. Once again we're supposed to bring food, wine, CDs. Also we're supposed to rent a public space and help pay for the whole thing. (I'm not kidding, Judy, she really said that: "Take up a collection.")
Personally, I don't want to. But a lot of our mutual friends are doing everything she suggested, including chipping in on the costs.
What do you think is appropriate?
Stacey
Dear Stacey,
Appropriate???
Not one thing about your friend's proposed celebration is appropriate -- except the party itself. What you call your friend's "suggestions" I call strong-arming.
I think your instincts are correct. Do exactly what you feel comfortable doing. If you want to make a dish for friends to enjoy at the event or buy a bottle of wine, go ahead. If you don't -- don't.
And as for passing around the hat, don't even consider it if it makes you uncomfortable, which it clearly does.
Thanks for writing,
Judy
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CARING FOR AN ABUSIVE FATHER, INHERITENCE PROBLEMS AND AN UNPLEASANT COLLEAGUE
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SHOULD A FIVE YEAR-OLD SEE AN EMBALMED BODY? AND MORE...
A TRAVELING BODY, FEASTING AT A FUNERAL AND BUSTING EUPHEMISMS
WHEN NOTHING CAN BE RECONCILED
PANNA COTTA, STAYING OUT OF THE ICU AND AVOIDING A SKUNK
THE SIMPLE THINGS, AN ESTRANGED MOTHER AND A BOSSY BROTHER
OFFENSIVE CHILDREN, EXPENSIVE COFFINS AND RUDE WAKE GUESTS
CRUELTY, FEAR AND ANGER AT THE END
CORPSE REAL ESTATE, SECRET FAMILIES AND DIVIDING A BEQUEST
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THE OTHER FAMILY, APATHY AND CYBER SNOOPING
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A DISTANT BOYFRIEND, PRE-NEED QUESTIONS AND HUSBAND IN A COMA
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THE LIMITS OF CARE, SUMMER CHOICES AND CHURCH GIVING
WHEN TO STAY AT HOME, WHEN TO VISIT
AN OLDER FIANCE, TO SUE OR NOT TO SUE AND DISAPPEARING MALICE
MYTHIC PLANS, OFFICE COLLECTIONS AND BEING POLITE
CHILDHOOD GRIEF, A TWIN'S DEATH AND A STEP-DAUGHTER GRIPES
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AN OLD SCHOOL MAMA, A CHEATING HUSBAND AND A MOUTHY NEIGHBOR
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FINDING SUPPORT, A JEALOUS WIFE AND A BORING WAKE
AN AILING MOTHER OVERSEAS AND A SCHEMING BROTHER
AN ACCIDENTAL SUICIDE, A NEW WIFE AND THE LONG HAUL
A BIOLOGICAL FATHER, HEAVEN, HELL AND UNSOCIABLE STEPMOTHER
POWER OF ATTORNEY, A LIVING WILL AND A BAD-MOUTHING MOTHER
EXTREME DRIVING, TALKING TO A DEAD HUSBAND AND FEARING A SON
A LOYAL/MALICIOUS AUNT, VISITING A VICIOUS SISTER AND A LOVER'S FUNERAL
A FATHER IN JAIL, A CLASSMATE'S FUNERAL AND A PASTOR'S LAMENT
HIDDEN RAGE, A DISAPPEARING HUSBAND AND A CONDO IN PHOENIX
THE MISDIAGNOSIS, QUITTING SMOKING AND SMOKING AT THE END
MY DAD'S LAST NAME, A RUSSIAN LAST NAME AND A ROTTEN FRIEND
A WEEPY CLASSMATE, FROM BEDSIDE TO HONG KONG AND A VICIOUS MOTHER
HOW DO I TELL MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER THAT HER FATHER IS DYING OF CANCER?
A SMOKER, A PAIR OF EARRINGS AND THE AFTERLIFE
WHAT DOES DEATH LOOK LIKE, A SURVIVOR'S BOASTS AND VISITING A DYING BROTHER
HEAVY GYM TALK, DRUGS THAT HASTEN DEATH AND A MISTRESS REVEALED
A DEAD PRINCIPAL, A HOSPICE NURSE AT BOOK CLUB AND A GOOD FRIEND
A DISRESPECTED ONCOLOGIST, A GRIEVING HOUSEKEEPER AND IMPROPER CONDOLENCES
AN ESTRANGED UNCLE, A SCHIZOPHRENIC MOM AND PROBLEMS WITH A JUG
THE HALO EFFECT AND FORGETTING A DEATH
NO THANK YOU NOTE, HIRING PEOPLE WITH CANCER AND HONORING A STEPFATHER
A FIRST CLASS BODY, THE DEATH RATTLE AND HELPING A FAMILY FRIEND
A NEEDY SISTER, FURIOUS STEP-CHILDREN AND WHY WE TALK ABOUT DEATH
A STEPMOTHER'S ODD REQUESTS, PAYING BACK A LOAN AND HALLUCINATIONS AT THE END
PRETENDING HIS WIFE IS DEAD, A LAST WILL AND WHAT TO SAY
DYING IN THE SADDLE, CREMATION PROBLEMS AND A MOTHER'S MENTAL ILLNESS
MY LATE BOYFRIEND'S PARENTS, PROBLEMS WITH A WILL AND HOW TO LISTEN
THOUSANDS OF MILES FROM A LOVED ONE, AN ABSENT COUSIN AND MAKING PLANS
REFUSING TO MAKE END-OF-LIFE-DECISIONS AND PLANNING A SENSIBLE FUNERAL
GRIEVING FOR A POODLE, SHOPPING FOR HOSPICE AND HAVING TROUBLE WITH A SPIRITUAL COUNSELOR
A CHILD MOLESTER, A DYING FRIEND AND MISSTEPS IN FRONT OF A WIDOW
A POLITICIAN'S DEMISE, A WIDOW'S FINANCES AND ADVICE FOR A SIMPLE FUNERAL
THE METAPHYSICS OF ASH SCATTERING, A LIVING WILL AND A SILENT FRIEND
A DEADBEAT BROTHER, SPURNED IN-LAWS, AND THE ANNOYANCE OF CONSTANT COMPANY
A TYRANNICAL WIDOWER, EMAIL DEATH NOTIFICATION AND AN ILLEGITIMATE CHILD RETURNS
DO I HAVE TO PAY FOR MY PARENTS' FUNERALS?
OFFICE GIFT GIVING GOES AWRY, OVERSEAS EXPENSES AND A CAR CRASH
TOO MANY VISITORS, ADVICE FOR A HOSPICE WORKER AND A CHILD'S ROOM
A HAPPY WIDOW, QUICK DEATHS AND A LINGERING VOICEMAIL MESSAGE
A SON'S PARTNER IN THE FAMILY VAULT, REPRESSED MEMORIES OF ABUSE AND HELL
THE PLEASURES OF CHEESECAKE, A VACATION FROM DEATH AND DYING AT HOME
A NANNY'S LAMENT, A PEDESTRIAN'S DEATH AND A MOTORCYCLE
GIVING UP, THE NEEDY WIDOW AND A FORGOTTEN LEGACY
THE MAN WHO BROKE MY HEART, A CHURCH SCANDAL AND A CALLOUS COUSIN
MY CRAZY SISTER, A WHACKO CHARITY AND WHETHER TO BRING A CHILD TO A FUNERAL
A MURDERED MOM, QUICK WILLS AND RECOVERING FROM HOSPICE
A FRIEND SUFFERS ALONE, CREMATION AND JUDAISM, AND A LONELY CARETAKER
JUDGING LUNG CANCER, GLOATING AT A FUNERAL AND BUYING AN URN
A SECOND OPINION, THE OVERSHARING WIDOWER AND A GUILTY MOTHER
DEBUNKING FUNERAL MYTHS, FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOUR EX, AND A BOOZER FIANCE
ENDING YOUR LIFE, LATE CONDOLENCES, AND CALLOUS CO-WORKERS
A FATHER'S NEW GIRLFRIEND, A DEMANDING WIFE AND REFUSING CANCER TREATMENT
LIVING WILL TROUBLE, A HUSBAND DIES IN JAIL AND A NEW WAY TO BEQUEATH
IN LOVE WITH A WIDOWER, TERMINAL DEPRESSION AND BUCKING DEPENDENCY
GUILT FOR PAST DEEDS, A SICK TEACHER AND RECOVERING A PAIR OF EARRINGS
DEALING WITH DENIAL, A MOTHER'S MALICE AND A WAYWARD WIDOWER
HIDING THE D-WORD, WHEN TO TELL THE KIDS AND HOW TO AVOID SPEAKING AT A FUNERAL
FORMER LOVERS, PRAYERS LEFT UNSAID AND MOVING TO NEW HOUSE
AT A LOSS FOR WORDS, SIBLING DISCORD AND HAVING A BABY
A MANGY DOG, THE DEATH OF A LITTLE SISTER AND DONATING A MOTHER'S STUFF
A PUSHY PRIEST, SUSPICIOUS DENTAL WORK AND GETTING A FRIEND'S GROOVE BACK
AN ENEMY AT WORK FALLS ILL, THE BIG NOTHING AND DENYING THE INEVITABLE
A MISTRESS'S GRIEF, DEMENTIA'S TOLL AND GOSSIP AT THE DEATHBED
DIFFERING VALUES, PRIVATE GOODBYES AND RECURRENT MEMORIES OF 9/11
TROUBLE WITH AN OUT-OF-TOWN RELATIVE, INVASIVE QUESTIONS AND EXPENSIVE SUPPORT
STEP-FATHERS, ABUSIVE EX'S AND DO NOT RESUSCITATE ORDERS
MOTHERS-IN-LAW, UNEXPECTED CHANGES AND HEALTH ANXIETY
DESERVED AFFECTION, THE FAMILY ACCOUNTANT AND ICE CREAM
OUT-OF-TOWN BURIAL, CONDOLENCE NOTES AND EARLY ONSET ALZHEIMER'S
HOW LONG TO STAY, A USED CAR AND A DYING EX-HUSBAND
PAYING THE MORTGAGE AND GRAND THEFT JEWELRY
SYMPATHY CARDS, ASSISTING SUICIDE AND INAPPROPRIATE FUNERAL WEAR
ENERGY, GRIEVING AND MEMORY, JUDY'S THIRD COLUMN
EATING, ANGER AND ATHEISTS, ASK JUDY'S SECOND COLUMN
BIRTHDAYS, GUILT AND SUICIDE, ASK JUDY'S FIRST COLUMN
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