A First Class Body, the Death Rattle and Helping a Family Friend
by Judy Bachrach
DECEMBER 9, 2009 TAGS:
Dear Judy,
I just went on a honeymoon with my husband (of course!), and we booked first class to South Africa and back. On the flight to South Africa, someone died in economy class, and believe it or not, they moved the body from where it was over to first class, where it lay wrapped in a blanket directly across the aisle from me.
I protested, because who wants to look at a corpse on her honeymoon, especially in first class, after paying a lot of money, but was told that economy was really crowded, and they didn't want a corpse there "for health reasons" (but first class was OK?? Our health was better?).
When we landed, I pitched a fit, and said we deserved to have our money refunded, considering it was hardly a first class experience. The airline had a real hard time understanding this, apparently. They said nothing in their agreement with passengers prevented them from moving a dead body from one class to another.
What do you think?
Myra
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Dear Myra,
This is a new one on me, although I have heard that airlines have the absolute right to deal with surprise corpses as they see fit.
On the other hand, I'd say yes, you've certainly got a point. It probably was neither a first class experience nor a romantic honeymoon experience, and if the airline were smart they’d hand you and your husband freebie tickets to some romantic destination to make up for the little contretemps you experienced on your honeymoon.
On the other hand, I don't run an airline.
Look at it this way: You'll have plenty to tell your children and grandchildren when the time comes.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
My sister called me at 10 p.m. on Thursday because her husband's death rattle had started. I spend six agonizing hours with them. He was making the most horrific loud groan. It sounded like a wounded bull struggling to get out of quicksand.
My sister kept screaming and crying because she thought he was in pain (was he?). She begged the hospice personnel to give him something to make it stop. Unfortunately they had nothing available. Finally after three hours, they sent something over. Is this the way hospice care is supposed to operate?
Once the medication arrived and my brother-in-law was injected, everything eased up. This is the hardest thing I ever had to go through!
What next?
Lorraine
Dear Lorraine,
I am so sorry you and your sister are going through such an awful time. You are right about the hospice: they knew your brother-in-law was in pain, and they certainly should have been prepared with the appropriate pain-killers and sedatives.
What you heard, I'm afraid, was not a death rattle. It doesn't sound like a wounded bull. But as long as your brother-in-law keeps getting strong pain-killers, you likely won't hear that sound again.
I want you to concentrate now not on what happened, which can't be altered, but on yourself and your sister. You are both alive.
You both need R & R. When a hospice volunteer stops by or a close friend, perhaps you can take your sister out for a meal, or a movie (or both).
Think of what helps you both relax: hot bath? Scented candles? Then try to take some time for yourselves.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
There's a family friend who was really nice to my father when he was dying. Now she herself has lung cancer, fairly advanced.
She goes in and out of hospital treatment, chemo, the works.
My mother, whom I love a whole lot, keeps telling me I have to drive this family friend around to her medical appointments. I have a full-time job, a 3-year-old and, to add to the general chaos, my husband left us both right after I gave birth.
What do you think? I'm not in a position to tell my boss I'll be missing half the day or even to tell day care I won't be around until evening to pick up my son.
My mother said whatever you say, it's law.
Lucy
Dear Lucy,
I'm not sure my advice falls under any legal category, but I will tell you this:
Do only as much for the family friend as you reasonably can. You have a child who, from what you write, is wholly dependent on you, you have day care which might no longer welcome your son if he's picked up late. And not least, you have a job you can't afford to lose, especially in this economy.
Here's a thought, though: Enlist your mother, if she's mobile and healthy, in the campaign to help her friend. She and your late father are the ones who benefited most from that friend's kindness, after all. Maybe she can lead a posse that could come to the friend's aid. It's worth a try. And if she's not up to the job, then tell your mother to call around and see if others can help out.
You can't be the only one on her list. And you shouldn't be.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
I just went on a honeymoon with my husband (of course!), and we booked first class to South Africa and back. On the flight to South Africa, someone died in economy class, and believe it or not, they moved the body from where it was over to first class, where it lay wrapped in a blanket directly across the aisle from me.
I protested, because who wants to look at a corpse on her honeymoon, especially in first class, after paying a lot of money, but was told that economy was really crowded, and they didn't want a corpse there "for health reasons" (but first class was OK?? Our health was better?).
When we landed, I pitched a fit, and said we deserved to have our money refunded, considering it was hardly a first class experience. The airline had a real hard time understanding this, apparently. They said nothing in their agreement with passengers prevented them from moving a dead body from one class to another.
What do you think?
Myra
Dear Myra,This is a new one on me, although I have heard that airlines have the absolute right to deal with surprise corpses as they see fit.
On the other hand, I'd say yes, you've certainly got a point. It probably was neither a first class experience nor a romantic honeymoon experience, and if the airline were smart they’d hand you and your husband freebie tickets to some romantic destination to make up for the little contretemps you experienced on your honeymoon.
On the other hand, I don't run an airline.
Look at it this way: You'll have plenty to tell your children and grandchildren when the time comes.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
My sister called me at 10 p.m. on Thursday because her husband's death rattle had started. I spend six agonizing hours with them. He was making the most horrific loud groan. It sounded like a wounded bull struggling to get out of quicksand.
My sister kept screaming and crying because she thought he was in pain (was he?). She begged the hospice personnel to give him something to make it stop. Unfortunately they had nothing available. Finally after three hours, they sent something over. Is this the way hospice care is supposed to operate?
Once the medication arrived and my brother-in-law was injected, everything eased up. This is the hardest thing I ever had to go through!
What next?
Lorraine
Dear Lorraine,
I am so sorry you and your sister are going through such an awful time. You are right about the hospice: they knew your brother-in-law was in pain, and they certainly should have been prepared with the appropriate pain-killers and sedatives.
What you heard, I'm afraid, was not a death rattle. It doesn't sound like a wounded bull. But as long as your brother-in-law keeps getting strong pain-killers, you likely won't hear that sound again.
I want you to concentrate now not on what happened, which can't be altered, but on yourself and your sister. You are both alive.
You both need R & R. When a hospice volunteer stops by or a close friend, perhaps you can take your sister out for a meal, or a movie (or both).
Think of what helps you both relax: hot bath? Scented candles? Then try to take some time for yourselves.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
There's a family friend who was really nice to my father when he was dying. Now she herself has lung cancer, fairly advanced.
She goes in and out of hospital treatment, chemo, the works.
My mother, whom I love a whole lot, keeps telling me I have to drive this family friend around to her medical appointments. I have a full-time job, a 3-year-old and, to add to the general chaos, my husband left us both right after I gave birth.
What do you think? I'm not in a position to tell my boss I'll be missing half the day or even to tell day care I won't be around until evening to pick up my son.
My mother said whatever you say, it's law.
Lucy
Dear Lucy,
I'm not sure my advice falls under any legal category, but I will tell you this:
Do only as much for the family friend as you reasonably can. You have a child who, from what you write, is wholly dependent on you, you have day care which might no longer welcome your son if he's picked up late. And not least, you have a job you can't afford to lose, especially in this economy.
Here's a thought, though: Enlist your mother, if she's mobile and healthy, in the campaign to help her friend. She and your late father are the ones who benefited most from that friend's kindness, after all. Maybe she can lead a posse that could come to the friend's aid. It's worth a try. And if she's not up to the job, then tell your mother to call around and see if others can help out.
You can't be the only one on her list. And you shouldn't be.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
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A STEPFATHER'S NEGLECT, A CHRISTIAN BURIAL AND A DYING TWIN
A DISTANT BOYFRIEND, PRE-NEED QUESTIONS AND HUSBAND IN A COMA
A MISTRESS CALLS, A FRIEND'S MOTHER AND BEING THERE
THE LIMITS OF CARE, SUMMER CHOICES AND CHURCH GIVING
WHEN TO STAY AT HOME, WHEN TO VISIT
AN OLDER FIANCE, TO SUE OR NOT TO SUE AND DISAPPEARING MALICE
MYTHIC PLANS, OFFICE COLLECTIONS AND BEING POLITE
CHILDHOOD GRIEF, A TWIN'S DEATH AND A STEP-DAUGHTER GRIPES
CELEBRATING LIFE AND NEARING THE END
AN OLD SCHOOL MAMA, A CHEATING HUSBAND AND A MOUTHY NEIGHBOR
SOCIAL REJECTION, A CHATTY DOORMAN AND POLITICAL DISPUTES
FINDING SUPPORT, A JEALOUS WIFE AND A BORING WAKE
AN AILING MOTHER OVERSEAS AND A SCHEMING BROTHER
AN ACCIDENTAL SUICIDE, A NEW WIFE AND THE LONG HAUL
A BIOLOGICAL FATHER, HEAVEN, HELL AND UNSOCIABLE STEPMOTHER
POWER OF ATTORNEY, A LIVING WILL AND A BAD-MOUTHING MOTHER
EXTREME DRIVING, TALKING TO A DEAD HUSBAND AND FEARING A SON
A LOYAL/MALICIOUS AUNT, VISITING A VICIOUS SISTER AND A LOVER'S FUNERAL
A FATHER IN JAIL, A CLASSMATE'S FUNERAL AND A PASTOR'S LAMENT
HIDDEN RAGE, A DISAPPEARING HUSBAND AND A CONDO IN PHOENIX
THE MISDIAGNOSIS, QUITTING SMOKING AND SMOKING AT THE END
MY DAD'S LAST NAME, A RUSSIAN LAST NAME AND A ROTTEN FRIEND
A WEEPY CLASSMATE, FROM BEDSIDE TO HONG KONG AND A VICIOUS MOTHER
HOW DO I TELL MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER THAT HER FATHER IS DYING OF CANCER?
A SMOKER, A PAIR OF EARRINGS AND THE AFTERLIFE
WHAT DOES DEATH LOOK LIKE, A SURVIVOR'S BOASTS AND VISITING A DYING BROTHER
HEAVY GYM TALK, DRUGS THAT HASTEN DEATH AND A MISTRESS REVEALED
A DEAD PRINCIPAL, A HOSPICE NURSE AT BOOK CLUB AND A GOOD FRIEND
A DISRESPECTED ONCOLOGIST, A GRIEVING HOUSEKEEPER AND IMPROPER CONDOLENCES
AN ESTRANGED UNCLE, A SCHIZOPHRENIC MOM AND PROBLEMS WITH A JUG
THE HALO EFFECT AND FORGETTING A DEATH
A DRESS TO DIE FOR, A BRAGGART GRIEVES AND AN ANNIVERSARY PARTY
NO THANK YOU NOTE, HIRING PEOPLE WITH CANCER AND HONORING A STEPFATHER
A NEEDY SISTER, FURIOUS STEP-CHILDREN AND WHY WE TALK ABOUT DEATH
A STEPMOTHER'S ODD REQUESTS, PAYING BACK A LOAN AND HALLUCINATIONS AT THE END
PRETENDING HIS WIFE IS DEAD, A LAST WILL AND WHAT TO SAY
DYING IN THE SADDLE, CREMATION PROBLEMS AND A MOTHER'S MENTAL ILLNESS
MY LATE BOYFRIEND'S PARENTS, PROBLEMS WITH A WILL AND HOW TO LISTEN
THOUSANDS OF MILES FROM A LOVED ONE, AN ABSENT COUSIN AND MAKING PLANS
REFUSING TO MAKE END-OF-LIFE-DECISIONS AND PLANNING A SENSIBLE FUNERAL
GRIEVING FOR A POODLE, SHOPPING FOR HOSPICE AND HAVING TROUBLE WITH A SPIRITUAL COUNSELOR
A CHILD MOLESTER, A DYING FRIEND AND MISSTEPS IN FRONT OF A WIDOW
A POLITICIAN'S DEMISE, A WIDOW'S FINANCES AND ADVICE FOR A SIMPLE FUNERAL
THE METAPHYSICS OF ASH SCATTERING, A LIVING WILL AND A SILENT FRIEND
A DEADBEAT BROTHER, SPURNED IN-LAWS, AND THE ANNOYANCE OF CONSTANT COMPANY
A TYRANNICAL WIDOWER, EMAIL DEATH NOTIFICATION AND AN ILLEGITIMATE CHILD RETURNS
DO I HAVE TO PAY FOR MY PARENTS' FUNERALS?
OFFICE GIFT GIVING GOES AWRY, OVERSEAS EXPENSES AND A CAR CRASH
TOO MANY VISITORS, ADVICE FOR A HOSPICE WORKER AND A CHILD'S ROOM
A HAPPY WIDOW, QUICK DEATHS AND A LINGERING VOICEMAIL MESSAGE
A SON'S PARTNER IN THE FAMILY VAULT, REPRESSED MEMORIES OF ABUSE AND HELL
THE PLEASURES OF CHEESECAKE, A VACATION FROM DEATH AND DYING AT HOME
A NANNY'S LAMENT, A PEDESTRIAN'S DEATH AND A MOTORCYCLE
GIVING UP, THE NEEDY WIDOW AND A FORGOTTEN LEGACY
THE MAN WHO BROKE MY HEART, A CHURCH SCANDAL AND A CALLOUS COUSIN
MY CRAZY SISTER, A WHACKO CHARITY AND WHETHER TO BRING A CHILD TO A FUNERAL
A MURDERED MOM, QUICK WILLS AND RECOVERING FROM HOSPICE
A FRIEND SUFFERS ALONE, CREMATION AND JUDAISM, AND A LONELY CARETAKER
JUDGING LUNG CANCER, GLOATING AT A FUNERAL AND BUYING AN URN
A SECOND OPINION, THE OVERSHARING WIDOWER AND A GUILTY MOTHER
DEBUNKING FUNERAL MYTHS, FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOUR EX, AND A BOOZER FIANCE
ENDING YOUR LIFE, LATE CONDOLENCES, AND CALLOUS CO-WORKERS
A FATHER'S NEW GIRLFRIEND, A DEMANDING WIFE AND REFUSING CANCER TREATMENT
LIVING WILL TROUBLE, A HUSBAND DIES IN JAIL AND A NEW WAY TO BEQUEATH
IN LOVE WITH A WIDOWER, TERMINAL DEPRESSION AND BUCKING DEPENDENCY
GUILT FOR PAST DEEDS, A SICK TEACHER AND RECOVERING A PAIR OF EARRINGS
DEALING WITH DENIAL, A MOTHER'S MALICE AND A WAYWARD WIDOWER
HIDING THE D-WORD, WHEN TO TELL THE KIDS AND HOW TO AVOID SPEAKING AT A FUNERAL
FORMER LOVERS, PRAYERS LEFT UNSAID AND MOVING TO NEW HOUSE
AT A LOSS FOR WORDS, SIBLING DISCORD AND HAVING A BABY
A MANGY DOG, THE DEATH OF A LITTLE SISTER AND DONATING A MOTHER'S STUFF
A PUSHY PRIEST, SUSPICIOUS DENTAL WORK AND GETTING A FRIEND'S GROOVE BACK
AN ENEMY AT WORK FALLS ILL, THE BIG NOTHING AND DENYING THE INEVITABLE
A MISTRESS'S GRIEF, DEMENTIA'S TOLL AND GOSSIP AT THE DEATHBED
DIFFERING VALUES, PRIVATE GOODBYES AND RECURRENT MEMORIES OF 9/11
TROUBLE WITH AN OUT-OF-TOWN RELATIVE, INVASIVE QUESTIONS AND EXPENSIVE SUPPORT
STEP-FATHERS, ABUSIVE EX'S AND DO NOT RESUSCITATE ORDERS
MOTHERS-IN-LAW, UNEXPECTED CHANGES AND HEALTH ANXIETY
DESERVED AFFECTION, THE FAMILY ACCOUNTANT AND ICE CREAM
OUT-OF-TOWN BURIAL, CONDOLENCE NOTES AND EARLY ONSET ALZHEIMER'S
HOW LONG TO STAY, A USED CAR AND A DYING EX-HUSBAND
PAYING THE MORTGAGE AND GRAND THEFT JEWELRY
SYMPATHY CARDS, ASSISTING SUICIDE AND INAPPROPRIATE FUNERAL WEAR
ENERGY, GRIEVING AND MEMORY, JUDY'S THIRD COLUMN
EATING, ANGER AND ATHEISTS, ASK JUDY'S SECOND COLUMN
BIRTHDAYS, GUILT AND SUICIDE, ASK JUDY'S FIRST COLUMN
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