Banking Sperm, Arguments for Hospice and Junk Food at the End
by Judy Bachrach
OCTOBER 18, 2011 TAGS:
Dear Judy,
I had prostate cancer two years ago, and before undergoing surgery, etc., I banked my sperm for later use. I am married with one child (7 years old), and my question is weird:
My wife and I are considering separation and very probably divorce. She had two affairs, and I didn’t know about either until two months ago.
Here’s the good news: My wife doesn’t know about my frozen sperm. I just decided to bank it on a whim before surgery and chemo, and saw no reason to tell her about it either then or – naturally – lately. But what if I remarry, then die of cancer, and a future wife decides she wants to carry my child even though I am dead? How can I make sure a) she receives my sperm and it isn’t destroyed by my current wife – should she learn about it; and b) that any baby born of that sperm will inherit?
I’m asking all this, as you might have guessed, because I have a future wife in mind. Can you help with this, or is it too weird to answer?
Mike
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Dear Mike,
Believe it or not, yours is no longer a weird question at all. The number of kids born from reproductive technology doubled in eight short years. By 2008, it was up to 61,426. So you are right to think about how to take care of your banked sperm.
It’s important to include the issue in any estate-planning with your lawyer – and I do hope you are going to do some estate planning, especially if you intend to divorce and then remarry. In fact, some attorneys even include a paragraph about frozen sperm in their questionnaires to clients making their wills.
Be aware, though, as the Wall Street Journal pointed out not long ago, that the Social Security Administration is by no means as receptive to the idea of frozen sperm implantation as are hip estate lawyers, and should you die before a baby’s birth, insurance benefits for the child born of frozen sperm are by no means certain.
So, as usual, nothing is simple in life, death or conception.
Thanks for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
I have a friend who is dying but doesn’t want to consider hospice care. I think she needs hospice care, but she won’t even talk about it. She says she “isn’t ready to die yet.”
Are there any arguments I could use? I figure you should know since I believe you say you used to volunteer at various hospices.
Carla
Dear Carla,
Yes, I used to be a hospice volunteer. And yes, there are people who resist hospice care. And yes, there is a case to be made for suggesting hospice care is the best alternative for the terminally ill, the most seductive being a recent report in the Journal of Pain and Symptom Management which concludes that in four of six disease categories patients under hospice care live longer than other patients, including those getting chemotherapy or radiation.
In other words, statistics now indicate that anyone with lung or pancreatic cancer will benefit more from hospice care than from desperate curative care, and those with congestive heart failure especially tend to do well under hospice care. Overtreatment can kill a terminally ill patient quicker than cancer.
However – a big however – once you’ve made this case, back off. The last thing a very sick person needs is a lecture. To my mind, the terminally ill of sound mind have the same rights as the rest of us: namely, the right to be left in peace once they’ve made a decision.
Thanks for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
My father who is 81 still smokes, drinks to excess and eats fatty foods, often from sickening (and filthy) takeout joints. He knows perfectly well the risks he’s taking. His doctors have talked to him about his eating-drinking-smoking habits ceaselessly.
What can I, his only daughter, do or say to knock some sense into him? I’m desperate and my mother is long gone.
Rhoda
Dear Rhoda,
You say your father is 81? I’d say he’s of age to make up his own mind about food, alcohol and tobacco. Wouldn’t you?
Thanks for writing,
Judy
I had prostate cancer two years ago, and before undergoing surgery, etc., I banked my sperm for later use. I am married with one child (7 years old), and my question is weird:
My wife and I are considering separation and very probably divorce. She had two affairs, and I didn’t know about either until two months ago.
Here’s the good news: My wife doesn’t know about my frozen sperm. I just decided to bank it on a whim before surgery and chemo, and saw no reason to tell her about it either then or – naturally – lately. But what if I remarry, then die of cancer, and a future wife decides she wants to carry my child even though I am dead? How can I make sure a) she receives my sperm and it isn’t destroyed by my current wife – should she learn about it; and b) that any baby born of that sperm will inherit?
I’m asking all this, as you might have guessed, because I have a future wife in mind. Can you help with this, or is it too weird to answer?
Mike
Dear Mike,Believe it or not, yours is no longer a weird question at all. The number of kids born from reproductive technology doubled in eight short years. By 2008, it was up to 61,426. So you are right to think about how to take care of your banked sperm.
It’s important to include the issue in any estate-planning with your lawyer – and I do hope you are going to do some estate planning, especially if you intend to divorce and then remarry. In fact, some attorneys even include a paragraph about frozen sperm in their questionnaires to clients making their wills.
Be aware, though, as the Wall Street Journal pointed out not long ago, that the Social Security Administration is by no means as receptive to the idea of frozen sperm implantation as are hip estate lawyers, and should you die before a baby’s birth, insurance benefits for the child born of frozen sperm are by no means certain.
So, as usual, nothing is simple in life, death or conception.
Thanks for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
I have a friend who is dying but doesn’t want to consider hospice care. I think she needs hospice care, but she won’t even talk about it. She says she “isn’t ready to die yet.”
Are there any arguments I could use? I figure you should know since I believe you say you used to volunteer at various hospices.
Carla
Dear Carla,
Yes, I used to be a hospice volunteer. And yes, there are people who resist hospice care. And yes, there is a case to be made for suggesting hospice care is the best alternative for the terminally ill, the most seductive being a recent report in the Journal of Pain and Symptom Management which concludes that in four of six disease categories patients under hospice care live longer than other patients, including those getting chemotherapy or radiation.
In other words, statistics now indicate that anyone with lung or pancreatic cancer will benefit more from hospice care than from desperate curative care, and those with congestive heart failure especially tend to do well under hospice care. Overtreatment can kill a terminally ill patient quicker than cancer.
However – a big however – once you’ve made this case, back off. The last thing a very sick person needs is a lecture. To my mind, the terminally ill of sound mind have the same rights as the rest of us: namely, the right to be left in peace once they’ve made a decision.
Thanks for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
My father who is 81 still smokes, drinks to excess and eats fatty foods, often from sickening (and filthy) takeout joints. He knows perfectly well the risks he’s taking. His doctors have talked to him about his eating-drinking-smoking habits ceaselessly.
What can I, his only daughter, do or say to knock some sense into him? I’m desperate and my mother is long gone.
Rhoda
Dear Rhoda,
You say your father is 81? I’d say he’s of age to make up his own mind about food, alcohol and tobacco. Wouldn’t you?
Thanks for writing,
Judy
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WHEN NOTHING CAN BE RECONCILED
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OFFENSIVE CHILDREN, EXPENSIVE COFFINS AND RUDE WAKE GUESTS
CRUELTY, FEAR AND ANGER AT THE END
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LYING TO THE DYING, PRE-PLANNING AND AN UNLOVED COUSIN
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WHEN TO STAY AT HOME, WHEN TO VISIT
AN OLDER FIANCE, TO SUE OR NOT TO SUE AND DISAPPEARING MALICE
MYTHIC PLANS, OFFICE COLLECTIONS AND BEING POLITE
CHILDHOOD GRIEF, A TWIN'S DEATH AND A STEP-DAUGHTER GRIPES
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A BIOLOGICAL FATHER, HEAVEN, HELL AND UNSOCIABLE STEPMOTHER
POWER OF ATTORNEY, A LIVING WILL AND A BAD-MOUTHING MOTHER
EXTREME DRIVING, TALKING TO A DEAD HUSBAND AND FEARING A SON
A LOYAL/MALICIOUS AUNT, VISITING A VICIOUS SISTER AND A LOVER'S FUNERAL
A FATHER IN JAIL, A CLASSMATE'S FUNERAL AND A PASTOR'S LAMENT
HIDDEN RAGE, A DISAPPEARING HUSBAND AND A CONDO IN PHOENIX
THE MISDIAGNOSIS, QUITTING SMOKING AND SMOKING AT THE END
MY DAD'S LAST NAME, A RUSSIAN LAST NAME AND A ROTTEN FRIEND
A WEEPY CLASSMATE, FROM BEDSIDE TO HONG KONG AND A VICIOUS MOTHER
HOW DO I TELL MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER THAT HER FATHER IS DYING OF CANCER?
A SMOKER, A PAIR OF EARRINGS AND THE AFTERLIFE
WHAT DOES DEATH LOOK LIKE, A SURVIVOR'S BOASTS AND VISITING A DYING BROTHER
HEAVY GYM TALK, DRUGS THAT HASTEN DEATH AND A MISTRESS REVEALED
A DEAD PRINCIPAL, A HOSPICE NURSE AT BOOK CLUB AND A GOOD FRIEND
A DISRESPECTED ONCOLOGIST, A GRIEVING HOUSEKEEPER AND IMPROPER CONDOLENCES
AN ESTRANGED UNCLE, A SCHIZOPHRENIC MOM AND PROBLEMS WITH A JUG
THE HALO EFFECT AND FORGETTING A DEATH
A DRESS TO DIE FOR, A BRAGGART GRIEVES AND AN ANNIVERSARY PARTY
NO THANK YOU NOTE, HIRING PEOPLE WITH CANCER AND HONORING A STEPFATHER
A FIRST CLASS BODY, THE DEATH RATTLE AND HELPING A FAMILY FRIEND
A NEEDY SISTER, FURIOUS STEP-CHILDREN AND WHY WE TALK ABOUT DEATH
A STEPMOTHER'S ODD REQUESTS, PAYING BACK A LOAN AND HALLUCINATIONS AT THE END
PRETENDING HIS WIFE IS DEAD, A LAST WILL AND WHAT TO SAY
DYING IN THE SADDLE, CREMATION PROBLEMS AND A MOTHER'S MENTAL ILLNESS
MY LATE BOYFRIEND'S PARENTS, PROBLEMS WITH A WILL AND HOW TO LISTEN
THOUSANDS OF MILES FROM A LOVED ONE, AN ABSENT COUSIN AND MAKING PLANS
REFUSING TO MAKE END-OF-LIFE-DECISIONS AND PLANNING A SENSIBLE FUNERAL
GRIEVING FOR A POODLE, SHOPPING FOR HOSPICE AND HAVING TROUBLE WITH A SPIRITUAL COUNSELOR
A CHILD MOLESTER, A DYING FRIEND AND MISSTEPS IN FRONT OF A WIDOW
A POLITICIAN'S DEMISE, A WIDOW'S FINANCES AND ADVICE FOR A SIMPLE FUNERAL
THE METAPHYSICS OF ASH SCATTERING, A LIVING WILL AND A SILENT FRIEND
A DEADBEAT BROTHER, SPURNED IN-LAWS, AND THE ANNOYANCE OF CONSTANT COMPANY
A TYRANNICAL WIDOWER, EMAIL DEATH NOTIFICATION AND AN ILLEGITIMATE CHILD RETURNS
DO I HAVE TO PAY FOR MY PARENTS' FUNERALS?
OFFICE GIFT GIVING GOES AWRY, OVERSEAS EXPENSES AND A CAR CRASH
TOO MANY VISITORS, ADVICE FOR A HOSPICE WORKER AND A CHILD'S ROOM
A HAPPY WIDOW, QUICK DEATHS AND A LINGERING VOICEMAIL MESSAGE
A SON'S PARTNER IN THE FAMILY VAULT, REPRESSED MEMORIES OF ABUSE AND HELL
THE PLEASURES OF CHEESECAKE, A VACATION FROM DEATH AND DYING AT HOME
A NANNY'S LAMENT, A PEDESTRIAN'S DEATH AND A MOTORCYCLE
GIVING UP, THE NEEDY WIDOW AND A FORGOTTEN LEGACY
THE MAN WHO BROKE MY HEART, A CHURCH SCANDAL AND A CALLOUS COUSIN
MY CRAZY SISTER, A WHACKO CHARITY AND WHETHER TO BRING A CHILD TO A FUNERAL
A MURDERED MOM, QUICK WILLS AND RECOVERING FROM HOSPICE
A FRIEND SUFFERS ALONE, CREMATION AND JUDAISM, AND A LONELY CARETAKER
JUDGING LUNG CANCER, GLOATING AT A FUNERAL AND BUYING AN URN
A SECOND OPINION, THE OVERSHARING WIDOWER AND A GUILTY MOTHER
DEBUNKING FUNERAL MYTHS, FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOUR EX, AND A BOOZER FIANCE
ENDING YOUR LIFE, LATE CONDOLENCES, AND CALLOUS CO-WORKERS
A FATHER'S NEW GIRLFRIEND, A DEMANDING WIFE AND REFUSING CANCER TREATMENT
LIVING WILL TROUBLE, A HUSBAND DIES IN JAIL AND A NEW WAY TO BEQUEATH
IN LOVE WITH A WIDOWER, TERMINAL DEPRESSION AND BUCKING DEPENDENCY
GUILT FOR PAST DEEDS, A SICK TEACHER AND RECOVERING A PAIR OF EARRINGS
DEALING WITH DENIAL, A MOTHER'S MALICE AND A WAYWARD WIDOWER
HIDING THE D-WORD, WHEN TO TELL THE KIDS AND HOW TO AVOID SPEAKING AT A FUNERAL
FORMER LOVERS, PRAYERS LEFT UNSAID AND MOVING TO NEW HOUSE
AT A LOSS FOR WORDS, SIBLING DISCORD AND HAVING A BABY
A MANGY DOG, THE DEATH OF A LITTLE SISTER AND DONATING A MOTHER'S STUFF
A PUSHY PRIEST, SUSPICIOUS DENTAL WORK AND GETTING A FRIEND'S GROOVE BACK
AN ENEMY AT WORK FALLS ILL, THE BIG NOTHING AND DENYING THE INEVITABLE
A MISTRESS'S GRIEF, DEMENTIA'S TOLL AND GOSSIP AT THE DEATHBED
DIFFERING VALUES, PRIVATE GOODBYES AND RECURRENT MEMORIES OF 9/11
TROUBLE WITH AN OUT-OF-TOWN RELATIVE, INVASIVE QUESTIONS AND EXPENSIVE SUPPORT
STEP-FATHERS, ABUSIVE EX'S AND DO NOT RESUSCITATE ORDERS
MOTHERS-IN-LAW, UNEXPECTED CHANGES AND HEALTH ANXIETY
DESERVED AFFECTION, THE FAMILY ACCOUNTANT AND ICE CREAM
OUT-OF-TOWN BURIAL, CONDOLENCE NOTES AND EARLY ONSET ALZHEIMER'S
HOW LONG TO STAY, A USED CAR AND A DYING EX-HUSBAND
PAYING THE MORTGAGE AND GRAND THEFT JEWELRY
SYMPATHY CARDS, ASSISTING SUICIDE AND INAPPROPRIATE FUNERAL WEAR
ENERGY, GRIEVING AND MEMORY, JUDY'S THIRD COLUMN
EATING, ANGER AND ATHEISTS, ASK JUDY'S SECOND COLUMN
BIRTHDAYS, GUILT AND SUICIDE, ASK JUDY'S FIRST COLUMN
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