Do I Have to Pay for my Parents' Funerals?

SEPTEMBER 2, 2009 TAGS: FUNERALS, FAMILY, ILLNESS, COPING COMMENTS (1)

Dear Judy,

Just wondering about something really important: When my parents pass away, do I have to pay for a funeral? Or really, two funerals?

I am an only child, with absolutely no money for something like this. I don't own my own home or have any assets to fall back on.

Can I refuse to arrange and pay for a funeral? What legal problems will I have to face?

Does there even have to be a funeral?

Thanks in advance for any advice.

Len

Dear Len,

Actually your question is a pretty common one -- and for good reason. In this country, the average funeral these days costs $7,323.00. And that's without a gravestone or a clergyman or a million wreaths. Moreover, that's the average cost, meaning it could be a lot higher, depending on the city you live in and the amount of competition among funeral homes in your area (there are about 21,000 funeral homes nationwide, but many are owned by what I like to call mega-death corporations, so they are not exactly all in competition with each other).

Now to your question: Do you have to fork out at least $15,000 for two parents when they die?

The answer is: No. Funerals and large payments for funerals are not mandatory.

Here's one way out: When a parent is near death, contact either a local university medical school to see if they accept full body donations – or contact a private outfit (Bio-Gift is one) that collects corpses.

You, as next of kin, will have to sign a document promising the corpse of your parent to whatever organization or private company you choose.

Will you get the remains, after the university or private company is done with its medical analyses of your parent?

Yes -- generally the remains will be cremated and put in a box.

If you want to invite friends and relatives over to your house to view the box and celebrate the lives of your parents, that’s a nice, cost-effective way to do things. After the ceremony, you have a lot of burial choices that also cost nothing. You can by law bury the box and its contents in your backyard, you can keep it in perpetuity on the mantel – or you can fling the ashes to the winds, if you prefer.

Any other benefits to this sort of ending? Yes again! These kinds of donations supposedly benefit science. Certainly they benefit the private companies that sell body parts to universities – and the medical students at the universities themselves.

But you at least pay nothing.

Thank you for writing,

Judy

--

Dear Judy,

I'm not sure I should be writing you. I don't know whether I'm dying or not, but I think it can't be good. I've had one mastectomy. Next Tuesday it will be two.

My son, who is 15, never knew about the breast cancer. Now that my husband and I are separated, I think I'm going to have to tell him about the disease and also the second mastectomy because afterwards I'll undergo a lot of chemo, and my husband won't be around to pinch-hit like he used to.

Judy, do I have to tell my teenage son about this in detail? His father just bugged out on us. I don't want him thinking I'm going to bug out, too -- although for reasons beyond my control obviously.

If so, what do I say to my kid? If not, how do I hide it and still keep being a Mom?

Celia

Dear Celia,

I am so sorry about your bad news. To answer the most important question: At 15, your son is old enough to absorb bad news -- but that's not all. He's also old enough to help out with chores, as I hope you know already.

In other words, some of those chores will now change: He can accompany you (after school hours) to the doctor; he can get your meds from the drugstore; he can call the drugstore if you need a refill. And he can help clean up around the house.

And speaking of duties: Despite the separation, your husband is going to have to be very busy as well -- with your son. I'm assuming (and hoping) you two stay in touch and see each other. Your son will need a lot of comfort during these next months, and a lot of help.

So yes, you need to talk to your son. Today. And you need to be candid. Try saying whatever you want to say in front of a mirror until it sounds right. Then after practice, say it to him. He not only needs to hear the truth, he has a right to it.

Thank you for writing,

Judy

RECENT POSTS

CORPSE REAL ESTATE, SECRET FAMILIES AND DIVIDING A BEQUEST

LYING TO THE DYING, PRE-PLANNING AND AN UNLOVED COUSIN

THE OTHER FAMILY, APATHY AND CYBER SNOOPING

SURVIVORS, COST OVERRUNS AND REINCARNATION

AN AWFUL PATIENT, RESTORING BEAUTY AND THANK YOU NOTES

A STEPFATHER'S NEGLECT, A CHRISTIAN BURIAL AND A DYING TWIN

A DISTANT BOYFRIEND, PRE-NEED QUESTIONS AND HUSBAND IN A COMA

A MISTRESS CALLS, A FRIEND'S MOTHER AND BEING THERE

THE LIMITS OF CARE, SUMMER CHOICES AND CHURCH GIVING

WHEN TO STAY AT HOME, WHEN TO VISIT

AN OLDER FIANCE, TO SUE OR NOT TO SUE AND DISAPPEARING MALICE

MYTHIC PLANS, OFFICE COLLECTIONS AND BEING POLITE

CHILDHOOD GRIEF, A TWIN'S DEATH AND A STEP-DAUGHTER GRIPES

CELEBRATING LIFE AND NEARING THE END

AN OLD SCHOOL MAMA, A CHEATING HUSBAND AND A MOUTHY NEIGHBOR

SOCIAL REJECTION, A CHATTY DOORMAN AND POLITICAL DISPUTES

FINDING SUPPORT, A JEALOUS WIFE AND A BORING WAKE

AN AILING MOTHER OVERSEAS AND A SCHEMING BROTHER

AN ACCIDENTAL SUICIDE, A NEW WIFE AND THE LONG HAUL

A BIOLOGICAL FATHER, HEAVEN, HELL AND UNSOCIABLE STEPMOTHER

POWER OF ATTORNEY, A LIVING WILL AND A BAD-MOUTHING MOTHER

EXTREME DRIVING, TALKING TO A DEAD HUSBAND AND FEARING A SON

A LOYAL/MALICIOUS AUNT, VISITING A VICIOUS SISTER AND A LOVER'S FUNERAL

A FATHER IN JAIL, A CLASSMATE'S FUNERAL AND A PASTOR'S LAMENT

HIDDEN RAGE, A DISAPPEARING HUSBAND AND A CONDO IN PHOENIX

THE MISDIAGNOSIS, QUITTING SMOKING AND SMOKING AT THE END

MY DAD'S LAST NAME, A RUSSIAN LAST NAME AND A ROTTEN FRIEND

A WEEPY CLASSMATE, FROM BEDSIDE TO HONG KONG AND A VICIOUS MOTHER

HOW DO I TELL MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER THAT HER FATHER IS DYING OF CANCER?

A SMOKER, A PAIR OF EARRINGS AND THE AFTERLIFE

WHAT DOES DEATH LOOK LIKE, A SURVIVOR'S BOASTS AND VISITING A DYING BROTHER

HEAVY GYM TALK, DRUGS THAT HASTEN DEATH AND A MISTRESS REVEALED

A DEAD PRINCIPAL, A HOSPICE NURSE AT BOOK CLUB AND A GOOD FRIEND

A DISRESPECTED ONCOLOGIST, A GRIEVING HOUSEKEEPER AND IMPROPER CONDOLENCES

AN ESTRANGED UNCLE, A SCHIZOPHRENIC MOM AND PROBLEMS WITH A JUG

THE HALO EFFECT AND FORGETTING A DEATH

A DRESS TO DIE FOR, A BRAGGART GRIEVES AND AN ANNIVERSARY PARTY

NO THANK YOU NOTE, HIRING PEOPLE WITH CANCER AND HONORING A STEPFATHER

A FIRST CLASS BODY, THE DEATH RATTLE AND HELPING A FAMILY FRIEND

A NEEDY SISTER, FURIOUS STEP-CHILDREN AND WHY WE TALK ABOUT DEATH

A STEPMOTHER'S ODD REQUESTS, PAYING BACK A LOAN AND HALLUCINATIONS AT THE END

PRETENDING HIS WIFE IS DEAD, A LAST WILL AND WHAT TO SAY

DYING IN THE SADDLE, CREMATION PROBLEMS AND A MOTHER'S MENTAL ILLNESS

MY LATE BOYFRIEND'S PARENTS, PROBLEMS WITH A WILL AND HOW TO LISTEN

THOUSANDS OF MILES FROM A LOVED ONE, AN ABSENT COUSIN AND MAKING PLANS

REFUSING TO MAKE END-OF-LIFE-DECISIONS AND PLANNING A SENSIBLE FUNERAL

GRIEVING FOR A POODLE, SHOPPING FOR HOSPICE AND HAVING TROUBLE WITH A SPIRITUAL COUNSELOR

A CHILD MOLESTER, A DYING FRIEND AND MISSTEPS IN FRONT OF A WIDOW

A POLITICIAN'S DEMISE, A WIDOW'S FINANCES AND ADVICE FOR A SIMPLE FUNERAL

THE METAPHYSICS OF ASH SCATTERING, A LIVING WILL AND A SILENT FRIEND

A DEADBEAT BROTHER, SPURNED IN-LAWS, AND THE ANNOYANCE OF CONSTANT COMPANY

A TYRANNICAL WIDOWER, EMAIL DEATH NOTIFICATION AND AN ILLEGITIMATE CHILD RETURNS

OFFICE GIFT GIVING GOES AWRY, OVERSEAS EXPENSES AND A CAR CRASH

TOO MANY VISITORS, ADVICE FOR A HOSPICE WORKER AND A CHILD'S ROOM

A HAPPY WIDOW, QUICK DEATHS AND A LINGERING VOICEMAIL MESSAGE

A SON'S PARTNER IN THE FAMILY VAULT, REPRESSED MEMORIES OF ABUSE AND HELL

THE PLEASURES OF CHEESECAKE, A VACATION FROM DEATH AND DYING AT HOME

A NANNY'S LAMENT, A PEDESTRIAN'S DEATH AND A MOTORCYCLE

GIVING UP, THE NEEDY WIDOW AND A FORGOTTEN LEGACY

THE MAN WHO BROKE MY HEART, A CHURCH SCANDAL AND A CALLOUS COUSIN

MY CRAZY SISTER, A WHACKO CHARITY AND WHETHER TO BRING A CHILD TO A FUNERAL

A MURDERED MOM, QUICK WILLS, RECOVERING FROM HOSPICE

A FRIEND SUFFERS ALONE, CREMATION AND JUDAISM, AND A LONELY CARETAKER

JUDGING LUNG CANCER, GLOATING AT A FUNERAL AND BUYING AN URN

A SECOND OPINION, THE OVERSHARING WIDOWER AND A GUILTY MOTHER

DEBUNKING FUNERAL MYTHS, FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOUR EX, AND A BOOZER FIANCE

ENDING YOUR LIFE, LATE CONDOLENCES, AND CALLOUS CO-WORKERS

A FATHER'S NEW GIRLFRIEND, A DEMANDING WIFE AND REFUSING CANCER TREATMENT

LIVING WILL TROUBLE, A HUSBAND DIES IN JAIL AND A NEW WAY TO BEQUEATH

IN LOVE WITH A WIDOWER, TERMINAL DEPRESSION AND BUCKING DEPENDENCY

GUILT FOR PAST DEEDS, A SICK TEACHER AND RECOVERING A PAIR OF EARRINGS

DEALING WITH DENIAL, A MOTHER'S MALICE AND A WAYWARD WIDOWER

HIDING THE D-WORD, WHEN TO TELL THE KIDS AND HOW TO AVOID SPEAKING AT A FUNERAL

FORMER LOVERS, PRAYERS LEFT UNSAID AND MOVING TO NEW HOUSE

AT A LOSS FOR WORDS, SIBLING DISCORD AND HAVING A BABY

A MANGY DOG, THE DEATH OF A LITTLE SISTER AND DONATING A MOTHER'S STUFF

A PUSHY PRIEST, SUSPICIOUS DENTAL WORK AND GETTING A FRIEND'S GROOVE BACK

AN ENEMY AT WORK FALLS ILL, THE BIG NOTHING AND DENYING THE INEVITABLE

A MISTRESS'S GRIEF, DEMENTIA'S TOLL AND GOSSIP AT THE DEATHBED

DIFFERING VALUES, PRIVATE GOODBYES AND RECURRENT MEMORIES OF 9/11

TROUBLE WITH AN OUT-OF-TOWN RELATIVE, INVASIVE QUESTIONS AND EXPENSIVE SUPPORT

STEP-FATHERS, ABUSIVE EX'S AND DO NOT RESUSCITATE ORDERS

MOTHERS-IN-LAW, UNEXPECTED CHANGES AND HEALTH ANXIETY

DESERVED AFFECTION, THE FAMILY ACCOUNTANT AND ICE CREAM

OUT-OF-TOWN BURIAL, CONDOLENCE NOTES AND EARLY ONSET ALZHEIMER'S

HOW LONG TO STAY, A USED CAR AND A DYING EX-HUSBAND

PAYING THE MORTGAGE AND GRAND THEFT JEWELRY, ASK JUDY'S FIFTH COLUMN

SYMPATHY CARDS, ASSISTING SUICIDE AND INAPPROPRIATE FUNERAL WEAR, JUDY'S FOURTH COLUMN

ENERGY, GRIEVING AND MEMORY, JUDY'S THIRD COLUMN

EATING, ANGER AND ATHEISTS, ASK JUDY'S SECOND COLUMN

BIRTHDAYS, GUILT AND SUICIDE, ASK JUDY'S FIRST COLUMN

VIEW ALL BLOG POSTS