Incendiary Remarks, Undue Optimism and Avoiding Bad Jokes
by Judy Bachrach
AUGUST 17, 2011 TAGS:
Dear Judy,
My son died in Spain during the 2004 terrorist attacks on commuter trains. I live every day with the memories of both how he lived and how he died, and it never goes away. I have a friend – although now I’m not so sure she’s really a friend – who keeps using insensitive language around me. I can’t tell whether she means to or not.
Whenever we’re together she says things like “I really blew up” or if she likes something, “What a blast!” (This is how my son died, so I cannot believe she doesn’t realize how inappropriate she’s being). When she’s embarrassed, she says, “I felt like dying!” It never stops.
How can I get her to stop using those kinds of remarks around me? And also, do you think she’s doing it on purpose to hurt me? She knows perfectly well how my son died in Madrid.
Cara
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Dear Cara,
First things first: Have you ever suggested to this friend that she stop using death analogies in her speech, at least when she’s around you? Have you ever explained that they pierce the most sensitive parts of you, causing unnecessary pain?
I know, I know. If she were a truly understanding person, brimming with delicacy, she’d figure this out by herself, without any prompting. But I think we’ve established that delicacy is not her forte, right?
So tell her. I suspect that even though she knows how your son died, she isn’t aware of how much damage her words cause. If you explain all this to her, my bet is she’ll change her patterns of speech, at least around you. Most people don’t go out of their way to offend.
Thanks for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
I’ve been diagnosed recently with a malignant glioma, and you and I both know what that kind of brain tumor means to the person who has one. But that’s not completely why I’m writing.
In addition to my medical problems, I am now facing, from friends yet, an avalanche of idiotic remarks. Like, Keep a positive attitude (this from my oncologist!!). Or, I bet they find something to cure you. Or Have you tried coffee enemas? (What? On my brain???)
I’ve even been advised (by a first cousin) to check in with her very favorite psychic to see whether I’m going to die or not. I told my cousin I could save that psychic the trouble of answering and myself 250 bucks. I’m going to die.
How do I tell these ridiculous people with their stupid comments and advice to bug off? Nicely.
Tom
Dear Tom,
It’s one of the worst things about a bad diagnosis, isn’t it? I mean, aside from the diagnosis itself. Relatives and friends in perfect health who nonetheless are under the impression that they know absolutely everything about a fatal disorder.
How do you tell someone who cares for you to “bug off” nicely? Sorry, it can’t be done. What you can do, however, is change the subject – as abruptly as you wish. Or, and I do advise this since people with bad illnesses have enough on their minds: Tell the person offering unsolicited advice or chirpy encouragement that you are really overcome with sudden fatigue, and have to take a nap. Immediately.
You’d be amazed how well this works.
Thanks for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
Every time a favorite aunt comes to see my husband, who has cardiomyopathy, she thinks she has to be really funny. And she isn’t. She tells him long stories about her dog who apparently in her mind is a hoot. She discusses her hairdresser, a guy we don’t know. She makes dumb jokes about “broken hearts.”
What can we do?
Brenda
Dear Brenda
Bar the door.
I’m not really kidding. Next time she calls requesting to see your husband, explain that you two are taking a long vacation in some foreign land. Or just get caller ID, and don’t pick up.
Thanks for writing,
Judy
My son died in Spain during the 2004 terrorist attacks on commuter trains. I live every day with the memories of both how he lived and how he died, and it never goes away. I have a friend – although now I’m not so sure she’s really a friend – who keeps using insensitive language around me. I can’t tell whether she means to or not.
Whenever we’re together she says things like “I really blew up” or if she likes something, “What a blast!” (This is how my son died, so I cannot believe she doesn’t realize how inappropriate she’s being). When she’s embarrassed, she says, “I felt like dying!” It never stops.
How can I get her to stop using those kinds of remarks around me? And also, do you think she’s doing it on purpose to hurt me? She knows perfectly well how my son died in Madrid.
Cara
Dear Cara,First things first: Have you ever suggested to this friend that she stop using death analogies in her speech, at least when she’s around you? Have you ever explained that they pierce the most sensitive parts of you, causing unnecessary pain?
I know, I know. If she were a truly understanding person, brimming with delicacy, she’d figure this out by herself, without any prompting. But I think we’ve established that delicacy is not her forte, right?
So tell her. I suspect that even though she knows how your son died, she isn’t aware of how much damage her words cause. If you explain all this to her, my bet is she’ll change her patterns of speech, at least around you. Most people don’t go out of their way to offend.
Thanks for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
I’ve been diagnosed recently with a malignant glioma, and you and I both know what that kind of brain tumor means to the person who has one. But that’s not completely why I’m writing.
In addition to my medical problems, I am now facing, from friends yet, an avalanche of idiotic remarks. Like, Keep a positive attitude (this from my oncologist!!). Or, I bet they find something to cure you. Or Have you tried coffee enemas? (What? On my brain???)
I’ve even been advised (by a first cousin) to check in with her very favorite psychic to see whether I’m going to die or not. I told my cousin I could save that psychic the trouble of answering and myself 250 bucks. I’m going to die.
How do I tell these ridiculous people with their stupid comments and advice to bug off? Nicely.
Tom
Dear Tom,
It’s one of the worst things about a bad diagnosis, isn’t it? I mean, aside from the diagnosis itself. Relatives and friends in perfect health who nonetheless are under the impression that they know absolutely everything about a fatal disorder.
How do you tell someone who cares for you to “bug off” nicely? Sorry, it can’t be done. What you can do, however, is change the subject – as abruptly as you wish. Or, and I do advise this since people with bad illnesses have enough on their minds: Tell the person offering unsolicited advice or chirpy encouragement that you are really overcome with sudden fatigue, and have to take a nap. Immediately.
You’d be amazed how well this works.
Thanks for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
Every time a favorite aunt comes to see my husband, who has cardiomyopathy, she thinks she has to be really funny. And she isn’t. She tells him long stories about her dog who apparently in her mind is a hoot. She discusses her hairdresser, a guy we don’t know. She makes dumb jokes about “broken hearts.”
What can we do?
Brenda
Dear Brenda
Bar the door.
I’m not really kidding. Next time she calls requesting to see your husband, explain that you two are taking a long vacation in some foreign land. Or just get caller ID, and don’t pick up.
Thanks for writing,
Judy
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THE MISDIAGNOSIS, QUITTING SMOKING AND SMOKING AT THE END
MY DAD'S LAST NAME, A RUSSIAN LAST NAME AND A ROTTEN FRIEND
A WEEPY CLASSMATE, FROM BEDSIDE TO HONG KONG AND A VICIOUS MOTHER
HOW DO I TELL MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER THAT HER FATHER IS DYING OF CANCER?
A SMOKER, A PAIR OF EARRINGS AND THE AFTERLIFE
WHAT DOES DEATH LOOK LIKE, A SURVIVOR'S BOASTS AND VISITING A DYING BROTHER
HEAVY GYM TALK, DRUGS THAT HASTEN DEATH AND A MISTRESS REVEALED
A DEAD PRINCIPAL, A HOSPICE NURSE AT BOOK CLUB AND A GOOD FRIEND
A DISRESPECTED ONCOLOGIST, A GRIEVING HOUSEKEEPER AND IMPROPER CONDOLENCES
AN ESTRANGED UNCLE, A SCHIZOPHRENIC MOM AND PROBLEMS WITH A JUG
THE HALO EFFECT AND FORGETTING A DEATH
A DRESS TO DIE FOR, A BRAGGART GRIEVES AND AN ANNIVERSARY PARTY
NO THANK YOU NOTE, HIRING PEOPLE WITH CANCER AND HONORING A STEPFATHER
A FIRST CLASS BODY, THE DEATH RATTLE AND HELPING A FAMILY FRIEND
A NEEDY SISTER, FURIOUS STEP-CHILDREN AND WHY WE TALK ABOUT DEATH
A STEPMOTHER'S ODD REQUESTS, PAYING BACK A LOAN AND HALLUCINATIONS AT THE END
PRETENDING HIS WIFE IS DEAD, A LAST WILL AND WHAT TO SAY
DYING IN THE SADDLE, CREMATION PROBLEMS AND A MOTHER'S MENTAL ILLNESS
MY LATE BOYFRIEND'S PARENTS, PROBLEMS WITH A WILL AND HOW TO LISTEN
THOUSANDS OF MILES FROM A LOVED ONE, AN ABSENT COUSIN AND MAKING PLANS
REFUSING TO MAKE END-OF-LIFE-DECISIONS AND PLANNING A SENSIBLE FUNERAL
GRIEVING FOR A POODLE, SHOPPING FOR HOSPICE AND HAVING TROUBLE WITH A SPIRITUAL COUNSELOR
A CHILD MOLESTER, A DYING FRIEND AND MISSTEPS IN FRONT OF A WIDOW
A POLITICIAN'S DEMISE, A WIDOW'S FINANCES AND ADVICE FOR A SIMPLE FUNERAL
THE METAPHYSICS OF ASH SCATTERING, A LIVING WILL AND A SILENT FRIEND
A DEADBEAT BROTHER, SPURNED IN-LAWS, AND THE ANNOYANCE OF CONSTANT COMPANY
A TYRANNICAL WIDOWER, EMAIL DEATH NOTIFICATION AND AN ILLEGITIMATE CHILD RETURNS
DO I HAVE TO PAY FOR MY PARENTS' FUNERALS?
OFFICE GIFT GIVING GOES AWRY, OVERSEAS EXPENSES AND A CAR CRASH
TOO MANY VISITORS, ADVICE FOR A HOSPICE WORKER AND A CHILD'S ROOM
A HAPPY WIDOW, QUICK DEATHS AND A LINGERING VOICEMAIL MESSAGE
A SON'S PARTNER IN THE FAMILY VAULT, REPRESSED MEMORIES OF ABUSE AND HELL
THE PLEASURES OF CHEESECAKE, A VACATION FROM DEATH AND DYING AT HOME
A NANNY'S LAMENT, A PEDESTRIAN'S DEATH AND A MOTORCYCLE
GIVING UP, THE NEEDY WIDOW AND A FORGOTTEN LEGACY
THE MAN WHO BROKE MY HEART, A CHURCH SCANDAL AND A CALLOUS COUSIN
MY CRAZY SISTER, A WHACKO CHARITY AND WHETHER TO BRING A CHILD TO A FUNERAL
A MURDERED MOM, QUICK WILLS AND RECOVERING FROM HOSPICE
A FRIEND SUFFERS ALONE, CREMATION AND JUDAISM, AND A LONELY CARETAKER
JUDGING LUNG CANCER, GLOATING AT A FUNERAL AND BUYING AN URN
A SECOND OPINION, THE OVERSHARING WIDOWER AND A GUILTY MOTHER
DEBUNKING FUNERAL MYTHS, FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOUR EX, AND A BOOZER FIANCE
ENDING YOUR LIFE, LATE CONDOLENCES, AND CALLOUS CO-WORKERS
A FATHER'S NEW GIRLFRIEND, A DEMANDING WIFE AND REFUSING CANCER TREATMENT
LIVING WILL TROUBLE, A HUSBAND DIES IN JAIL AND A NEW WAY TO BEQUEATH
IN LOVE WITH A WIDOWER, TERMINAL DEPRESSION AND BUCKING DEPENDENCY
GUILT FOR PAST DEEDS, A SICK TEACHER AND RECOVERING A PAIR OF EARRINGS
DEALING WITH DENIAL, A MOTHER'S MALICE AND A WAYWARD WIDOWER
HIDING THE D-WORD, WHEN TO TELL THE KIDS AND HOW TO AVOID SPEAKING AT A FUNERAL
FORMER LOVERS, PRAYERS LEFT UNSAID AND MOVING TO NEW HOUSE
AT A LOSS FOR WORDS, SIBLING DISCORD AND HAVING A BABY
A MANGY DOG, THE DEATH OF A LITTLE SISTER AND DONATING A MOTHER'S STUFF
A PUSHY PRIEST, SUSPICIOUS DENTAL WORK AND GETTING A FRIEND'S GROOVE BACK
AN ENEMY AT WORK FALLS ILL, THE BIG NOTHING AND DENYING THE INEVITABLE
A MISTRESS'S GRIEF, DEMENTIA'S TOLL AND GOSSIP AT THE DEATHBED
DIFFERING VALUES, PRIVATE GOODBYES AND RECURRENT MEMORIES OF 9/11
TROUBLE WITH AN OUT-OF-TOWN RELATIVE, INVASIVE QUESTIONS AND EXPENSIVE SUPPORT
STEP-FATHERS, ABUSIVE EX'S AND DO NOT RESUSCITATE ORDERS
MOTHERS-IN-LAW, UNEXPECTED CHANGES AND HEALTH ANXIETY
DESERVED AFFECTION, THE FAMILY ACCOUNTANT AND ICE CREAM
OUT-OF-TOWN BURIAL, CONDOLENCE NOTES AND EARLY ONSET ALZHEIMER'S
HOW LONG TO STAY, A USED CAR AND A DYING EX-HUSBAND
PAYING THE MORTGAGE AND GRAND THEFT JEWELRY
SYMPATHY CARDS, ASSISTING SUICIDE AND INAPPROPRIATE FUNERAL WEAR
ENERGY, GRIEVING AND MEMORY, JUDY'S THIRD COLUMN
EATING, ANGER AND ATHEISTS, ASK JUDY'S SECOND COLUMN
BIRTHDAYS, GUILT AND SUICIDE, ASK JUDY'S FIRST COLUMN
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