Refusing to Make End-of-Life-Decisions and Planning a Sensible Funeral
by Judy Bachrach
OCTOBER 21, 2009 TAGS:
Dear Judy,
I'm new to your advice column, so I was really upset to see your advice to a woman whose mother was dying of ovarian cancer who had no Living Will. I think those things are just a prescription for an early death.
I personally won't sign one (our estate lawyer tried to get me to do so) and I won't allow my husband to, either. But my sister and brother both have one, which they call A Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care -- meaning I am supposed to make end-of-life decisions for them. I don't want to do it!
Both of them wrote that if they're in "a persistent vegetative state," I'm supposed to act like they're week-old asparagus and throw them out!
Well, I simply can't do that -- to anyone. But especially not my own flesh and blood.
So should I tell them I can't comply with their wishes? Or do the right thing and say nothing? I feel wrong, either way.
Cathie
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Dear Cathie,
The reason you feel, as you put it, "wrong either way" is because the Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care is not the role for you, under any circumstances. You have no intention of carrying out your siblings' final wishes, and they will be, if things go wrong, in no position to fire you.
So to my way of thinking, you have to do the right thing now, while everyone is still healthy and competent to make alternative plans. Tell your siblings to appoint someone else. You can give your reasons, but don't make it an occasion for a family quarrel.
Just state your position, and suggest they look elsewhere for a replacement.
You'll feel better. And so will they.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
Last year, my husband's father died. His side of the family spent $24,000 on the funeral (casket, lined vault, large engraved headstone, violins, limos, the works).
My mother just died yesterday: I am not overwhelmed for a lot of reasons. We didn't get along and she was expected to die for quite some time, among those reasons. My husband's people are expecting me to give Mom the same kind of send-off given to my late father-in-law.
I just don't want to. I think it's a waste of money.
They think it's because I never got along with my mother.
So any advice on what to do?
Gwen
Dear Gwen,
Advice? You don't need advice! You know what to do.
She's your mother. Whether or not you got along, whether or not her death was expected or a shock, you are in the best position to gauge what's desirable or necessary. Possibly you had discussions with her on this very subject. In any case: You are the only one fit to make decisions -- and also the only one who has to open (or close) the purse strings.
My advice: Make no excuses. Offer no explanations. Give your mother the funeral you think appropriate. If someone on your husband's side has the temerity to criticize, don't enter into an argument and don't protest.
Just say, "I'm doing exactly what is necessary to honor my mother."
And walk away.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
I'm new to your advice column, so I was really upset to see your advice to a woman whose mother was dying of ovarian cancer who had no Living Will. I think those things are just a prescription for an early death.
I personally won't sign one (our estate lawyer tried to get me to do so) and I won't allow my husband to, either. But my sister and brother both have one, which they call A Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care -- meaning I am supposed to make end-of-life decisions for them. I don't want to do it!
Both of them wrote that if they're in "a persistent vegetative state," I'm supposed to act like they're week-old asparagus and throw them out!
Well, I simply can't do that -- to anyone. But especially not my own flesh and blood.
So should I tell them I can't comply with their wishes? Or do the right thing and say nothing? I feel wrong, either way.
Cathie
Dear Cathie,The reason you feel, as you put it, "wrong either way" is because the Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care is not the role for you, under any circumstances. You have no intention of carrying out your siblings' final wishes, and they will be, if things go wrong, in no position to fire you.
So to my way of thinking, you have to do the right thing now, while everyone is still healthy and competent to make alternative plans. Tell your siblings to appoint someone else. You can give your reasons, but don't make it an occasion for a family quarrel.
Just state your position, and suggest they look elsewhere for a replacement.
You'll feel better. And so will they.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
Last year, my husband's father died. His side of the family spent $24,000 on the funeral (casket, lined vault, large engraved headstone, violins, limos, the works).
My mother just died yesterday: I am not overwhelmed for a lot of reasons. We didn't get along and she was expected to die for quite some time, among those reasons. My husband's people are expecting me to give Mom the same kind of send-off given to my late father-in-law.
I just don't want to. I think it's a waste of money.
They think it's because I never got along with my mother.
So any advice on what to do?
Gwen
Dear Gwen,
Advice? You don't need advice! You know what to do.
She's your mother. Whether or not you got along, whether or not her death was expected or a shock, you are in the best position to gauge what's desirable or necessary. Possibly you had discussions with her on this very subject. In any case: You are the only one fit to make decisions -- and also the only one who has to open (or close) the purse strings.
My advice: Make no excuses. Offer no explanations. Give your mother the funeral you think appropriate. If someone on your husband's side has the temerity to criticize, don't enter into an argument and don't protest.
Just say, "I'm doing exactly what is necessary to honor my mother."
And walk away.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
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COMMENTS (1) TO ADD A COMMENT, PLEASE FIRST SIGN IN OR REGISTER.
Susan Cohen wrote on October 21, 2009 12:56pm
I'm disappointed that in your response to 'Cathie' that you did not point out that a Living Will also gives the patient the right to request all possible life-prolonging measures. Without the information in an advance directive / Living Will, she too may get tossed out like week old asparagus. [Report Comment]
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