The Man Who Broke My Heart, A Church Scandal and a Callous Cousin
JULY 8, 2009 TAGS:
Dear Judy,
The only man I ever completely loved broke my heart. That was 10 years ago, when I was 22, overly jealous, overly possessive, marriage-hungry, and very dependent on him. He was 41 and well known in his field (film), so it was an unequal relationship. Also he lived, and still does, in L.A., and I had to commute to see him.
So I guess I blame myself for the end of the relationship as much as I blame him. He just wanted someone more independent than I was at the time. Anyway, that's what I finally figured out after three years of therapy.
About a year after he said goodbye, he married someone more self-confidant than I am (or was), had a couple of kids, and I went about my business, got an M.A. and started teaching.
I just learned he has colon cancer, and the cancer has spread. In other words, he's not expected to live more than two years.
My questions: Should I contact him now to tell him I forgive him for the pain he caused me? That I have some insights into the relationship as it was that I'd like to share? Maybe he feels guilty, and maybe I could ease some of that guilt.
Or is this a totally bad idea?
Corinna
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Dear Corinna,
It's a totally bad idea.
In the first place, how do you know he feels guilty at all about the end of the relationship? And what do you need to forgive him for? Ending a bad relationship?
In the second, how do you know how his wife might feel about your conviction that a tete-a-tete with you is just what your ex-boyfriend needs, now that his life is ending?
And in the third, are you sure you're over this guy?
But let's forget about you and your pain for just a moment. The terminally ill need, as a general rule, to be around those they live with and love: spouses, children, current lovers, relatives with whom they are on good terms.
It is, in other words, not a great idea to spring surprise visits on the unsuspecting, especially when they are dying.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
I don't know if this is up your alley. One of the people in my church died recently. He was wealthy and had the best doctors but prostate cancer got him anyway in the end. He was also married, with four children, and slept with a number of women, including the church secretary. She has a broken heart, still, because he left her.
I think maybe he got prostate cancer because he was an adulterer, although I realize there's no scientific proof of this.
Now some of the people in our church want to establish a scholarship in this man's name (a religious scholarship! for college students who want to go on and become pastors). So what do I do?
Do I inform our own pastor about this issue? In a way I don't want to because the two men were friends. But in a way I feel I should do what's right, no matter what. Also, I think the 11 members of our church who want to fund such a scholarship should be told so maybe the scholarship can be given another name. And maybe the man's widow, who is a very nice woman, but none too smart.
Your view?
Celia
Dear Celia,
I too feel you should do what's right, no matter what.
Keep your mouth closed and your mind on spiritual matters.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
OK. My first cousin has had a hard life. Maybe a very hard life. Abusive father, who always belittled her (my uncle, naturally) and a nutty younger brother, whom she had to support for years until he died. Which broke her heart.
Our problem? (Here I'm talking about the rest of our entire family.) She feels sympathy for absolutely no one else. My mother, whom I adored, died recently. Cousin offered -- zero support. My husband has tongue cancer. Cousin offers -- zero support. I mean, barely a phone call, and certainly no offers of any help.
Instead, I have to hear things like: "Well, at least you have a loving husband, even if he can't talk any more." (She never married.) Or: "At least you still have a brother. I don't."
Most of the time I want to toss her out the window. What do you think?
Teddie
Dear Teddie,
I think you probably shouldn't toss your first cousin out the window.
No, no, I know you’re kidding.
Let's start with the obvious: Your cousin has issues, and it isn't just that her beloved brother died. Or that her father was verbally abusive. Or that she envies you your marital status.
She just isn't the sort of appealing and attractive person people are naturally drawn to, is she?
So let's acknowledge that and move on.
Now -- what do you expect out of your cousin that you honestly think she can give you?
Sound advice? Consolation? A shoulder to cry on? Tender love?
I bet it's none of the above.
Your cousin is -- your cousin. She won't change. You’re looking for solace in all the wrong places. Try a better relative or a good friend.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
The only man I ever completely loved broke my heart. That was 10 years ago, when I was 22, overly jealous, overly possessive, marriage-hungry, and very dependent on him. He was 41 and well known in his field (film), so it was an unequal relationship. Also he lived, and still does, in L.A., and I had to commute to see him.
So I guess I blame myself for the end of the relationship as much as I blame him. He just wanted someone more independent than I was at the time. Anyway, that's what I finally figured out after three years of therapy.
About a year after he said goodbye, he married someone more self-confidant than I am (or was), had a couple of kids, and I went about my business, got an M.A. and started teaching.
I just learned he has colon cancer, and the cancer has spread. In other words, he's not expected to live more than two years.
My questions: Should I contact him now to tell him I forgive him for the pain he caused me? That I have some insights into the relationship as it was that I'd like to share? Maybe he feels guilty, and maybe I could ease some of that guilt.
Or is this a totally bad idea?
Corinna
Dear Corinna,It's a totally bad idea.
In the first place, how do you know he feels guilty at all about the end of the relationship? And what do you need to forgive him for? Ending a bad relationship?
In the second, how do you know how his wife might feel about your conviction that a tete-a-tete with you is just what your ex-boyfriend needs, now that his life is ending?
And in the third, are you sure you're over this guy?
But let's forget about you and your pain for just a moment. The terminally ill need, as a general rule, to be around those they live with and love: spouses, children, current lovers, relatives with whom they are on good terms.
It is, in other words, not a great idea to spring surprise visits on the unsuspecting, especially when they are dying.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
I don't know if this is up your alley. One of the people in my church died recently. He was wealthy and had the best doctors but prostate cancer got him anyway in the end. He was also married, with four children, and slept with a number of women, including the church secretary. She has a broken heart, still, because he left her.
I think maybe he got prostate cancer because he was an adulterer, although I realize there's no scientific proof of this.
Now some of the people in our church want to establish a scholarship in this man's name (a religious scholarship! for college students who want to go on and become pastors). So what do I do?
Do I inform our own pastor about this issue? In a way I don't want to because the two men were friends. But in a way I feel I should do what's right, no matter what. Also, I think the 11 members of our church who want to fund such a scholarship should be told so maybe the scholarship can be given another name. And maybe the man's widow, who is a very nice woman, but none too smart.
Your view?
Celia
Dear Celia,
I too feel you should do what's right, no matter what.
Keep your mouth closed and your mind on spiritual matters.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
OK. My first cousin has had a hard life. Maybe a very hard life. Abusive father, who always belittled her (my uncle, naturally) and a nutty younger brother, whom she had to support for years until he died. Which broke her heart.
Our problem? (Here I'm talking about the rest of our entire family.) She feels sympathy for absolutely no one else. My mother, whom I adored, died recently. Cousin offered -- zero support. My husband has tongue cancer. Cousin offers -- zero support. I mean, barely a phone call, and certainly no offers of any help.
Instead, I have to hear things like: "Well, at least you have a loving husband, even if he can't talk any more." (She never married.) Or: "At least you still have a brother. I don't."
Most of the time I want to toss her out the window. What do you think?
Teddie
Dear Teddie,
I think you probably shouldn't toss your first cousin out the window.
No, no, I know you’re kidding.
Let's start with the obvious: Your cousin has issues, and it isn't just that her beloved brother died. Or that her father was verbally abusive. Or that she envies you your marital status.
She just isn't the sort of appealing and attractive person people are naturally drawn to, is she?
So let's acknowledge that and move on.
Now -- what do you expect out of your cousin that you honestly think she can give you?
Sound advice? Consolation? A shoulder to cry on? Tender love?
I bet it's none of the above.
Your cousin is -- your cousin. She won't change. You’re looking for solace in all the wrong places. Try a better relative or a good friend.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
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COMMENTS (1) TO ADD A COMMENT, PLEASE FIRST SIGN IN OR REGISTER.
Charlene Vickers wrote on July 8, 2009 4:41am
Or maybe she's been hurt so much by her father that she simply doesn't care about any of her family any more, because she sees them as part of the problem. [Report Comment]
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SYMPATHY CARDS, ASSISTING SUICIDE AND INAPPROPRIATE FUNERAL WEAR, JUDY'S FOURTH COLUMN
ENERGY, GRIEVING AND MEMORY, JUDY'S THIRD COLUMN
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