The Man Who Broke My Heart, A Church Scandal and a Callous Cousin
by Judy Bachrach
JULY 8, 2009 TAGS:
Dear Judy,
The only man I ever completely loved broke my heart. That was 10 years ago, when I was 22, overly jealous, overly possessive, marriage-hungry, and very dependent on him. He was 41 and well known in his field (film), so it was an unequal relationship. Also he lived, and still does, in L.A., and I had to commute to see him.
So I guess I blame myself for the end of the relationship as much as I blame him. He just wanted someone more independent than I was at the time. Anyway, that's what I finally figured out after three years of therapy.
About a year after he said goodbye, he married someone more self-confidant than I am (or was), had a couple of kids, and I went about my business, got an M.A. and started teaching.
I just learned he has colon cancer, and the cancer has spread. In other words, he's not expected to live more than two years.
My questions: Should I contact him now to tell him I forgive him for the pain he caused me? That I have some insights into the relationship as it was that I'd like to share? Maybe he feels guilty, and maybe I could ease some of that guilt.
Or is this a totally bad idea?
Corinna
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Dear Corinna,
It's a totally bad idea.
In the first place, how do you know he feels guilty at all about the end of the relationship? And what do you need to forgive him for? Ending a bad relationship?
In the second, how do you know how his wife might feel about your conviction that a tete-a-tete with you is just what your ex-boyfriend needs, now that his life is ending?
And in the third, are you sure you're over this guy?
But let's forget about you and your pain for just a moment. The terminally ill need, as a general rule, to be around those they live with and love: spouses, children, current lovers, relatives with whom they are on good terms.
It is, in other words, not a great idea to spring surprise visits on the unsuspecting, especially when they are dying.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
I don't know if this is up your alley. One of the people in my church died recently. He was wealthy and had the best doctors but prostate cancer got him anyway in the end. He was also married, with four children, and slept with a number of women, including the church secretary. She has a broken heart, still, because he left her.
I think maybe he got prostate cancer because he was an adulterer, although I realize there's no scientific proof of this.
Now some of the people in our church want to establish a scholarship in this man's name (a religious scholarship! for college students who want to go on and become pastors). So what do I do?
Do I inform our own pastor about this issue? In a way I don't want to because the two men were friends. But in a way I feel I should do what's right, no matter what. Also, I think the 11 members of our church who want to fund such a scholarship should be told so maybe the scholarship can be given another name. And maybe the man's widow, who is a very nice woman, but none too smart.
Your view?
Celia
Dear Celia,
I too feel you should do what's right, no matter what.
Keep your mouth closed and your mind on spiritual matters.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
OK. My first cousin has had a hard life. Maybe a very hard life. Abusive father, who always belittled her (my uncle, naturally) and a nutty younger brother, whom she had to support for years until he died. Which broke her heart.
Our problem? (Here I'm talking about the rest of our entire family.) She feels sympathy for absolutely no one else. My mother, whom I adored, died recently. Cousin offered -- zero support. My husband has tongue cancer. Cousin offers -- zero support. I mean, barely a phone call, and certainly no offers of any help.
Instead, I have to hear things like: "Well, at least you have a loving husband, even if he can't talk any more." (She never married.) Or: "At least you still have a brother. I don't."
Most of the time I want to toss her out the window. What do you think?
Teddie
Dear Teddie,
I think you probably shouldn't toss your first cousin out the window.
No, no, I know you’re kidding.
Let's start with the obvious: Your cousin has issues, and it isn't just that her beloved brother died. Or that her father was verbally abusive. Or that she envies you your marital status.
She just isn't the sort of appealing and attractive person people are naturally drawn to, is she?
So let's acknowledge that and move on.
Now -- what do you expect out of your cousin that you honestly think she can give you?
Sound advice? Consolation? A shoulder to cry on? Tender love?
I bet it's none of the above.
Your cousin is -- your cousin. She won't change. You’re looking for solace in all the wrong places. Try a better relative or a good friend.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
The only man I ever completely loved broke my heart. That was 10 years ago, when I was 22, overly jealous, overly possessive, marriage-hungry, and very dependent on him. He was 41 and well known in his field (film), so it was an unequal relationship. Also he lived, and still does, in L.A., and I had to commute to see him.
So I guess I blame myself for the end of the relationship as much as I blame him. He just wanted someone more independent than I was at the time. Anyway, that's what I finally figured out after three years of therapy.
About a year after he said goodbye, he married someone more self-confidant than I am (or was), had a couple of kids, and I went about my business, got an M.A. and started teaching.
I just learned he has colon cancer, and the cancer has spread. In other words, he's not expected to live more than two years.
My questions: Should I contact him now to tell him I forgive him for the pain he caused me? That I have some insights into the relationship as it was that I'd like to share? Maybe he feels guilty, and maybe I could ease some of that guilt.
Or is this a totally bad idea?
Corinna
Dear Corinna,It's a totally bad idea.
In the first place, how do you know he feels guilty at all about the end of the relationship? And what do you need to forgive him for? Ending a bad relationship?
In the second, how do you know how his wife might feel about your conviction that a tete-a-tete with you is just what your ex-boyfriend needs, now that his life is ending?
And in the third, are you sure you're over this guy?
But let's forget about you and your pain for just a moment. The terminally ill need, as a general rule, to be around those they live with and love: spouses, children, current lovers, relatives with whom they are on good terms.
It is, in other words, not a great idea to spring surprise visits on the unsuspecting, especially when they are dying.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
I don't know if this is up your alley. One of the people in my church died recently. He was wealthy and had the best doctors but prostate cancer got him anyway in the end. He was also married, with four children, and slept with a number of women, including the church secretary. She has a broken heart, still, because he left her.
I think maybe he got prostate cancer because he was an adulterer, although I realize there's no scientific proof of this.
Now some of the people in our church want to establish a scholarship in this man's name (a religious scholarship! for college students who want to go on and become pastors). So what do I do?
Do I inform our own pastor about this issue? In a way I don't want to because the two men were friends. But in a way I feel I should do what's right, no matter what. Also, I think the 11 members of our church who want to fund such a scholarship should be told so maybe the scholarship can be given another name. And maybe the man's widow, who is a very nice woman, but none too smart.
Your view?
Celia
Dear Celia,
I too feel you should do what's right, no matter what.
Keep your mouth closed and your mind on spiritual matters.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
OK. My first cousin has had a hard life. Maybe a very hard life. Abusive father, who always belittled her (my uncle, naturally) and a nutty younger brother, whom she had to support for years until he died. Which broke her heart.
Our problem? (Here I'm talking about the rest of our entire family.) She feels sympathy for absolutely no one else. My mother, whom I adored, died recently. Cousin offered -- zero support. My husband has tongue cancer. Cousin offers -- zero support. I mean, barely a phone call, and certainly no offers of any help.
Instead, I have to hear things like: "Well, at least you have a loving husband, even if he can't talk any more." (She never married.) Or: "At least you still have a brother. I don't."
Most of the time I want to toss her out the window. What do you think?
Teddie
Dear Teddie,
I think you probably shouldn't toss your first cousin out the window.
No, no, I know you’re kidding.
Let's start with the obvious: Your cousin has issues, and it isn't just that her beloved brother died. Or that her father was verbally abusive. Or that she envies you your marital status.
She just isn't the sort of appealing and attractive person people are naturally drawn to, is she?
So let's acknowledge that and move on.
Now -- what do you expect out of your cousin that you honestly think she can give you?
Sound advice? Consolation? A shoulder to cry on? Tender love?
I bet it's none of the above.
Your cousin is -- your cousin. She won't change. You’re looking for solace in all the wrong places. Try a better relative or a good friend.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
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COMMENTS (1)
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Charlene Vickers wrote on July 8, 2009 4:41am
Or maybe she's been hurt so much by her father that she simply doesn't care about any of her family any more, because she sees them as part of the problem. [Report Comment]
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PANNA COTTA, STAYING OUT OF THE ICU AND AVOIDING A SKUNK
THE SIMPLE THINGS, AN ESTRANGED MOTHER AND A BOSSY BROTHER
OFFENSIVE CHILDREN, EXPENSIVE COFFINS AND RUDE WAKE GUESTS
CRUELTY, FEAR AND ANGER AT THE END
CORPSE REAL ESTATE, SECRET FAMILIES AND DIVIDING A BEQUEST
LYING TO THE DYING, PRE-PLANNING AND AN UNLOVED COUSIN
THE OTHER FAMILY, APATHY AND CYBER SNOOPING
SURVIVORS, COST OVERRUNS AND REINCARNATION
AN AWFUL PATIENT, RESTORING BEAUTY AND THANK YOU NOTES
A STEPFATHER'S NEGLECT, A CHRISTIAN BURIAL AND A DYING TWIN
A DISTANT BOYFRIEND, PRE-NEED QUESTIONS AND HUSBAND IN A COMA
A MISTRESS CALLS, A FRIEND'S MOTHER AND BEING THERE
THE LIMITS OF CARE, SUMMER CHOICES AND CHURCH GIVING
WHEN TO STAY AT HOME, WHEN TO VISIT
AN OLDER FIANCE, TO SUE OR NOT TO SUE AND DISAPPEARING MALICE
MYTHIC PLANS, OFFICE COLLECTIONS AND BEING POLITE
CHILDHOOD GRIEF, A TWIN'S DEATH AND A STEP-DAUGHTER GRIPES
CELEBRATING LIFE AND NEARING THE END
AN OLD SCHOOL MAMA, A CHEATING HUSBAND AND A MOUTHY NEIGHBOR
SOCIAL REJECTION, A CHATTY DOORMAN AND POLITICAL DISPUTES
FINDING SUPPORT, A JEALOUS WIFE AND A BORING WAKE
AN AILING MOTHER OVERSEAS AND A SCHEMING BROTHER
AN ACCIDENTAL SUICIDE, A NEW WIFE AND THE LONG HAUL
A BIOLOGICAL FATHER, HEAVEN, HELL AND UNSOCIABLE STEPMOTHER
POWER OF ATTORNEY, A LIVING WILL AND A BAD-MOUTHING MOTHER
EXTREME DRIVING, TALKING TO A DEAD HUSBAND AND FEARING A SON
A LOYAL/MALICIOUS AUNT, VISITING A VICIOUS SISTER AND A LOVER'S FUNERAL
A FATHER IN JAIL, A CLASSMATE'S FUNERAL AND A PASTOR'S LAMENT
HIDDEN RAGE, A DISAPPEARING HUSBAND AND A CONDO IN PHOENIX
THE MISDIAGNOSIS, QUITTING SMOKING AND SMOKING AT THE END
MY DAD'S LAST NAME, A RUSSIAN LAST NAME AND A ROTTEN FRIEND
A WEEPY CLASSMATE, FROM BEDSIDE TO HONG KONG AND A VICIOUS MOTHER
HOW DO I TELL MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER THAT HER FATHER IS DYING OF CANCER?
A SMOKER, A PAIR OF EARRINGS AND THE AFTERLIFE
WHAT DOES DEATH LOOK LIKE, A SURVIVOR'S BOASTS AND VISITING A DYING BROTHER
HEAVY GYM TALK, DRUGS THAT HASTEN DEATH AND A MISTRESS REVEALED
A DEAD PRINCIPAL, A HOSPICE NURSE AT BOOK CLUB AND A GOOD FRIEND
A DISRESPECTED ONCOLOGIST, A GRIEVING HOUSEKEEPER AND IMPROPER CONDOLENCES
AN ESTRANGED UNCLE, A SCHIZOPHRENIC MOM AND PROBLEMS WITH A JUG
THE HALO EFFECT AND FORGETTING A DEATH
A DRESS TO DIE FOR, A BRAGGART GRIEVES AND AN ANNIVERSARY PARTY
NO THANK YOU NOTE, HIRING PEOPLE WITH CANCER AND HONORING A STEPFATHER
A FIRST CLASS BODY, THE DEATH RATTLE AND HELPING A FAMILY FRIEND
A NEEDY SISTER, FURIOUS STEP-CHILDREN AND WHY WE TALK ABOUT DEATH
A STEPMOTHER'S ODD REQUESTS, PAYING BACK A LOAN AND HALLUCINATIONS AT THE END
PRETENDING HIS WIFE IS DEAD, A LAST WILL AND WHAT TO SAY
DYING IN THE SADDLE, CREMATION PROBLEMS AND A MOTHER'S MENTAL ILLNESS
MY LATE BOYFRIEND'S PARENTS, PROBLEMS WITH A WILL AND HOW TO LISTEN
THOUSANDS OF MILES FROM A LOVED ONE, AN ABSENT COUSIN AND MAKING PLANS
REFUSING TO MAKE END-OF-LIFE-DECISIONS AND PLANNING A SENSIBLE FUNERAL
GRIEVING FOR A POODLE, SHOPPING FOR HOSPICE AND HAVING TROUBLE WITH A SPIRITUAL COUNSELOR
A CHILD MOLESTER, A DYING FRIEND AND MISSTEPS IN FRONT OF A WIDOW
A POLITICIAN'S DEMISE, A WIDOW'S FINANCES AND ADVICE FOR A SIMPLE FUNERAL
THE METAPHYSICS OF ASH SCATTERING, A LIVING WILL AND A SILENT FRIEND
A DEADBEAT BROTHER, SPURNED IN-LAWS, AND THE ANNOYANCE OF CONSTANT COMPANY
A TYRANNICAL WIDOWER, EMAIL DEATH NOTIFICATION AND AN ILLEGITIMATE CHILD RETURNS
DO I HAVE TO PAY FOR MY PARENTS' FUNERALS?
OFFICE GIFT GIVING GOES AWRY, OVERSEAS EXPENSES AND A CAR CRASH
TOO MANY VISITORS, ADVICE FOR A HOSPICE WORKER AND A CHILD'S ROOM
A HAPPY WIDOW, QUICK DEATHS AND A LINGERING VOICEMAIL MESSAGE
A SON'S PARTNER IN THE FAMILY VAULT, REPRESSED MEMORIES OF ABUSE AND HELL
THE PLEASURES OF CHEESECAKE, A VACATION FROM DEATH AND DYING AT HOME
A NANNY'S LAMENT, A PEDESTRIAN'S DEATH AND A MOTORCYCLE
GIVING UP, THE NEEDY WIDOW AND A FORGOTTEN LEGACY
MY CRAZY SISTER, A WHACKO CHARITY AND WHETHER TO BRING A CHILD TO A FUNERAL
A MURDERED MOM, QUICK WILLS AND RECOVERING FROM HOSPICE
A FRIEND SUFFERS ALONE, CREMATION AND JUDAISM, AND A LONELY CARETAKER
JUDGING LUNG CANCER, GLOATING AT A FUNERAL AND BUYING AN URN
A SECOND OPINION, THE OVERSHARING WIDOWER AND A GUILTY MOTHER
DEBUNKING FUNERAL MYTHS, FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOUR EX, AND A BOOZER FIANCE
ENDING YOUR LIFE, LATE CONDOLENCES, AND CALLOUS CO-WORKERS
A FATHER'S NEW GIRLFRIEND, A DEMANDING WIFE AND REFUSING CANCER TREATMENT
LIVING WILL TROUBLE, A HUSBAND DIES IN JAIL AND A NEW WAY TO BEQUEATH
IN LOVE WITH A WIDOWER, TERMINAL DEPRESSION AND BUCKING DEPENDENCY
GUILT FOR PAST DEEDS, A SICK TEACHER AND RECOVERING A PAIR OF EARRINGS
DEALING WITH DENIAL, A MOTHER'S MALICE AND A WAYWARD WIDOWER
HIDING THE D-WORD, WHEN TO TELL THE KIDS AND HOW TO AVOID SPEAKING AT A FUNERAL
FORMER LOVERS, PRAYERS LEFT UNSAID AND MOVING TO NEW HOUSE
AT A LOSS FOR WORDS, SIBLING DISCORD AND HAVING A BABY
A MANGY DOG, THE DEATH OF A LITTLE SISTER AND DONATING A MOTHER'S STUFF
A PUSHY PRIEST, SUSPICIOUS DENTAL WORK AND GETTING A FRIEND'S GROOVE BACK
AN ENEMY AT WORK FALLS ILL, THE BIG NOTHING AND DENYING THE INEVITABLE
A MISTRESS'S GRIEF, DEMENTIA'S TOLL AND GOSSIP AT THE DEATHBED
DIFFERING VALUES, PRIVATE GOODBYES AND RECURRENT MEMORIES OF 9/11
TROUBLE WITH AN OUT-OF-TOWN RELATIVE, INVASIVE QUESTIONS AND EXPENSIVE SUPPORT
STEP-FATHERS, ABUSIVE EX'S AND DO NOT RESUSCITATE ORDERS
MOTHERS-IN-LAW, UNEXPECTED CHANGES AND HEALTH ANXIETY
DESERVED AFFECTION, THE FAMILY ACCOUNTANT AND ICE CREAM
OUT-OF-TOWN BURIAL, CONDOLENCE NOTES AND EARLY ONSET ALZHEIMER'S
HOW LONG TO STAY, A USED CAR AND A DYING EX-HUSBAND
PAYING THE MORTGAGE AND GRAND THEFT JEWELRY
SYMPATHY CARDS, ASSISTING SUICIDE AND INAPPROPRIATE FUNERAL WEAR
ENERGY, GRIEVING AND MEMORY, JUDY'S THIRD COLUMN
EATING, ANGER AND ATHEISTS, ASK JUDY'S SECOND COLUMN
BIRTHDAYS, GUILT AND SUICIDE, ASK JUDY'S FIRST COLUMN
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