The Rage of the Dying, Funeral Gloating and Alzheimer's Destruction
NOVEMBER 10, 2010 TAGS:
Dear Judy,
My sister is dying of cancer --- it has spread throughout her whole body.
We have been very close our whole lives, but now she is pushing me out. Out of her life and out of her dying. She acts mad at me, and sometimes refuses even to talk or acknowledge me.
This is hurtful. I am very confused as to what is going on -- but I do not want to make thinks worse for her by confronting her. Or maybe I should confront her? What do you think, Judy?
Is this normal? Or what am I to make of it?
Emma
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Dear Emma,
I get questions like yours all the time. Here’s what you have to know:
Dying people very often push away those they love. You are correct when you suggest your sister is pushing you both out of her life, what remains of it, and above all, out of her dying.
In the first place, dying – although it often takes place surrounded by relatives and friends – is a solitary and often debilitating process. The dying person knows the people she loves cannot go with her, and feels hers to be a lonely and isolated voyage, which it is. Often that makes the dying resentful of the still-living. Volunteers at hospices, as I was, see this often, and we learn pretty quickly not to take that resentment personally.
Of course you are in a different situation. You and your sister were close all your lives, as you say. It is a hard adjustment for you to go from trusted sister to a source of anger and frustration.
But you asked for advice. No, do not confront her. Your sister is undoubtedly weak – cancer will do that to a person – and confrontation is something she cannot cope with, physically or emotionally. Also it will do you no good. It will not, for instance, put an end to your sister’s silences.
What can you do? Just be there for her. The rage may dissolve from time to time, and that will be a blessing. Or it may not, in which case, simply give her a quick kiss and leave for the day.
Above all, please realize that, yes, anger, frustration and alienation are usual in dying people. It’s something the living have to understand.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
Two people I didn’t like died recently, and they weren’t really old. I went to their funerals and felt nothing but relief. I was actually glad I didn’t have to see one of them every day (he worked with me).
I guess I only went to gloat. I’m still alive and they aren’t.
Is there something wrong with me?
Bill
Dear Bill,
Nope. Nothing wrong with you. I confess: I’ve done some funeral-gloating too in my time.
Sometimes people we detest die. Not often enough, I agree. But it does happen. The scales needed a little readjusting, that’s all.
Thanks for writing – and keep up the good work!
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
My mom is dying of Alzheimer's now. Have you ever known anyone with Alzheimer's? My dad died from multiple myeloma, but his death was a cakewalk compared to what my mom is going through. Every day there is a little less of her: her memory, her ability to even bathe or keep herself clean, her understanding.
It is the most horrific thing I have ever witnessed.
Also, I don’t know what to do with her. I hear elder abuse is rampant in these assisted- living homes! There is no one to help you either.
I can't believe my mom is going through this.
Francesca
Dear Francesca,
People over the age of 80, have a one-in-three chance of developing Alzheimer’s Disease, so yes indeed, I have known people with Alzheimer’s. And the way our society is moving – i.e., to greater longevity especially among women – we are all going to know more and more people who are affected. And we may well be among them.
In fact, according to Dr. Howard Fillit, executive director of the Alzheimer’s Discovery Foundation, a group looking for cures for the illness (http://www.alzdiscovery.org), Alzheimer’s costs our society over $170 billion annually, making it the third-most expensive medical condition after heart disease and cancer.
All the symptoms you describe are common to Alzheimer’s patients. It is a progressive neurological illness, and even with current medication, it only gets worse eventually, as you know, leading to death. That means your mother must have help – and fortunately, that help is available.
In the first place, you should contact your local hospice right away. Many hospices nominally only give patients nursing and volunteer help only when the individual is six months away from dying. In practice, however, they tend to be a lot more liberal in their policies. And the medical and volunteer help is largely defrayed by Medicare. Which your mother has earned.
In the second place, if your family does have funds available to defray the cost of assisted-living homes, it is important to check those places out. Some, as you noted, are hell-holes. Others don’t accept Alzheimer’s patients.
But most are fair-to-good places, as I learned from my own research. It is up to you and any relations you might have to visit these places (I always do it by simply walking in, unannounced, so they don’t have time to tidy up, or camouflage disasters). To my surprise, many places welcome walk-ins. If they don’t, cross them off your list at once.
I also talk in private to nurses and volunteers. If I hear something I don’t like, that’s it.
But the one thing I would suggest is: Don’t take care of your mother on your own. I’ll make it simple: You can’t. You need help. Get friends and relations to pitch in. Guilt them into it, if they are resistant. And call your local hospice for immediate help.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
My sister is dying of cancer --- it has spread throughout her whole body.
We have been very close our whole lives, but now she is pushing me out. Out of her life and out of her dying. She acts mad at me, and sometimes refuses even to talk or acknowledge me.
This is hurtful. I am very confused as to what is going on -- but I do not want to make thinks worse for her by confronting her. Or maybe I should confront her? What do you think, Judy?
Is this normal? Or what am I to make of it?
Emma
Dear Emma,I get questions like yours all the time. Here’s what you have to know:
Dying people very often push away those they love. You are correct when you suggest your sister is pushing you both out of her life, what remains of it, and above all, out of her dying.
In the first place, dying – although it often takes place surrounded by relatives and friends – is a solitary and often debilitating process. The dying person knows the people she loves cannot go with her, and feels hers to be a lonely and isolated voyage, which it is. Often that makes the dying resentful of the still-living. Volunteers at hospices, as I was, see this often, and we learn pretty quickly not to take that resentment personally.
Of course you are in a different situation. You and your sister were close all your lives, as you say. It is a hard adjustment for you to go from trusted sister to a source of anger and frustration.
But you asked for advice. No, do not confront her. Your sister is undoubtedly weak – cancer will do that to a person – and confrontation is something she cannot cope with, physically or emotionally. Also it will do you no good. It will not, for instance, put an end to your sister’s silences.
What can you do? Just be there for her. The rage may dissolve from time to time, and that will be a blessing. Or it may not, in which case, simply give her a quick kiss and leave for the day.
Above all, please realize that, yes, anger, frustration and alienation are usual in dying people. It’s something the living have to understand.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
Two people I didn’t like died recently, and they weren’t really old. I went to their funerals and felt nothing but relief. I was actually glad I didn’t have to see one of them every day (he worked with me).
I guess I only went to gloat. I’m still alive and they aren’t.
Is there something wrong with me?
Bill
Dear Bill,
Nope. Nothing wrong with you. I confess: I’ve done some funeral-gloating too in my time.
Sometimes people we detest die. Not often enough, I agree. But it does happen. The scales needed a little readjusting, that’s all.
Thanks for writing – and keep up the good work!
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
My mom is dying of Alzheimer's now. Have you ever known anyone with Alzheimer's? My dad died from multiple myeloma, but his death was a cakewalk compared to what my mom is going through. Every day there is a little less of her: her memory, her ability to even bathe or keep herself clean, her understanding.
It is the most horrific thing I have ever witnessed.
Also, I don’t know what to do with her. I hear elder abuse is rampant in these assisted- living homes! There is no one to help you either.
I can't believe my mom is going through this.
Francesca
Dear Francesca,
People over the age of 80, have a one-in-three chance of developing Alzheimer’s Disease, so yes indeed, I have known people with Alzheimer’s. And the way our society is moving – i.e., to greater longevity especially among women – we are all going to know more and more people who are affected. And we may well be among them.
In fact, according to Dr. Howard Fillit, executive director of the Alzheimer’s Discovery Foundation, a group looking for cures for the illness (http://www.alzdiscovery.org), Alzheimer’s costs our society over $170 billion annually, making it the third-most expensive medical condition after heart disease and cancer.
All the symptoms you describe are common to Alzheimer’s patients. It is a progressive neurological illness, and even with current medication, it only gets worse eventually, as you know, leading to death. That means your mother must have help – and fortunately, that help is available.
In the first place, you should contact your local hospice right away. Many hospices nominally only give patients nursing and volunteer help only when the individual is six months away from dying. In practice, however, they tend to be a lot more liberal in their policies. And the medical and volunteer help is largely defrayed by Medicare. Which your mother has earned.
In the second place, if your family does have funds available to defray the cost of assisted-living homes, it is important to check those places out. Some, as you noted, are hell-holes. Others don’t accept Alzheimer’s patients.
But most are fair-to-good places, as I learned from my own research. It is up to you and any relations you might have to visit these places (I always do it by simply walking in, unannounced, so they don’t have time to tidy up, or camouflage disasters). To my surprise, many places welcome walk-ins. If they don’t, cross them off your list at once.
I also talk in private to nurses and volunteers. If I hear something I don’t like, that’s it.
But the one thing I would suggest is: Don’t take care of your mother on your own. I’ll make it simple: You can’t. You need help. Get friends and relations to pitch in. Guilt them into it, if they are resistant. And call your local hospice for immediate help.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
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MASS EMAILS, NO SYMPATHY CARDS AND DEATHBED APOLOGIES
INCURABLE SECRETS, AN UGLY COUSIN AND A SMELLY EX
ENSURING YOUR ESTATE FALLS IN THE RIGHT HANDS
BAD MOUTHING THE DEAD, EMBALMING AND GUILT
BURIAL AT SEA, PHANTOM SYMPTOMS AND A DISTANT FATHER
FEELING LIKE A BRAT, ENSURING INHERITANCE AND FUNERAL TRUSTS
SHOULD A FIVE YEAR-OLD SEE AN EMBALMED BODY? AND MORE...
A TRAVELING BODY, FEASTING AT A FUNERAL AND BUSTING EUPHEMISMS
WHEN NOTHING CAN BE RECONCILED
PANNA COTTA, STAYING OUT OF THE ICU AND AVOIDING A SKUNK
THE SIMPLE THINGS, AN ESTRANGED MOTHER AND A BOSSY BROTHER
OFFENSIVE CHILDREN, EXPENSIVE COFFINS AND RUDE WAKE GUESTS
CRUELTY, FEAR AND ANGER AT THE END
CORPSE REAL ESTATE, SECRET FAMILIES AND DIVIDING A BEQUEST
LYING TO THE DYING, PRE-PLANNING AND AN UNLOVED COUSIN
THE OTHER FAMILY, APATHY AND CYBER SNOOPING
SURVIVORS, COST OVERRUNS AND REINCARNATION
AN AWFUL PATIENT, RESTORING BEAUTY AND THANK YOU NOTES
A STEPFATHER'S NEGLECT, A CHRISTIAN BURIAL AND A DYING TWIN
A DISTANT BOYFRIEND, PRE-NEED QUESTIONS AND HUSBAND IN A COMA
A MISTRESS CALLS, A FRIEND'S MOTHER AND BEING THERE
THE LIMITS OF CARE, SUMMER CHOICES AND CHURCH GIVING
WHEN TO STAY AT HOME, WHEN TO VISIT
AN OLDER FIANCE, TO SUE OR NOT TO SUE AND DISAPPEARING MALICE
MYTHIC PLANS, OFFICE COLLECTIONS AND BEING POLITE
CHILDHOOD GRIEF, A TWIN'S DEATH AND A STEP-DAUGHTER GRIPES
CELEBRATING LIFE AND NEARING THE END
AN OLD SCHOOL MAMA, A CHEATING HUSBAND AND A MOUTHY NEIGHBOR
SOCIAL REJECTION, A CHATTY DOORMAN AND POLITICAL DISPUTES
FINDING SUPPORT, A JEALOUS WIFE AND A BORING WAKE
AN AILING MOTHER OVERSEAS AND A SCHEMING BROTHER
AN ACCIDENTAL SUICIDE, A NEW WIFE AND THE LONG HAUL
A BIOLOGICAL FATHER, HEAVEN, HELL AND UNSOCIABLE STEPMOTHER
POWER OF ATTORNEY, A LIVING WILL AND A BAD-MOUTHING MOTHER
EXTREME DRIVING, TALKING TO A DEAD HUSBAND AND FEARING A SON
A LOYAL/MALICIOUS AUNT, VISITING A VICIOUS SISTER AND A LOVER'S FUNERAL
A FATHER IN JAIL, A CLASSMATE'S FUNERAL AND A PASTOR'S LAMENT
HIDDEN RAGE, A DISAPPEARING HUSBAND AND A CONDO IN PHOENIX
THE MISDIAGNOSIS, QUITTING SMOKING AND SMOKING AT THE END
MY DAD'S LAST NAME, A RUSSIAN LAST NAME AND A ROTTEN FRIEND
A WEEPY CLASSMATE, FROM BEDSIDE TO HONG KONG AND A VICIOUS MOTHER
HOW DO I TELL MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER THAT HER FATHER IS DYING OF CANCER?
A SMOKER, A PAIR OF EARRINGS AND THE AFTERLIFE
WHAT DOES DEATH LOOK LIKE, A SURVIVOR'S BOASTS AND VISITING A DYING BROTHER
HEAVY GYM TALK, DRUGS THAT HASTEN DEATH AND A MISTRESS REVEALED
A DEAD PRINCIPAL, A HOSPICE NURSE AT BOOK CLUB AND A GOOD FRIEND
A DISRESPECTED ONCOLOGIST, A GRIEVING HOUSEKEEPER AND IMPROPER CONDOLENCES
AN ESTRANGED UNCLE, A SCHIZOPHRENIC MOM AND PROBLEMS WITH A JUG
THE HALO EFFECT AND FORGETTING A DEATH
A DRESS TO DIE FOR, A BRAGGART GRIEVES AND AN ANNIVERSARY PARTY
NO THANK YOU NOTE, HIRING PEOPLE WITH CANCER AND HONORING A STEPFATHER
A FIRST CLASS BODY, THE DEATH RATTLE AND HELPING A FAMILY FRIEND
A NEEDY SISTER, FURIOUS STEP-CHILDREN AND WHY WE TALK ABOUT DEATH
A STEPMOTHER'S ODD REQUESTS, PAYING BACK A LOAN AND HALLUCINATIONS AT THE END
PRETENDING HIS WIFE IS DEAD, A LAST WILL AND WHAT TO SAY
DYING IN THE SADDLE, CREMATION PROBLEMS AND A MOTHER'S MENTAL ILLNESS
MY LATE BOYFRIEND'S PARENTS, PROBLEMS WITH A WILL AND HOW TO LISTEN
THOUSANDS OF MILES FROM A LOVED ONE, AN ABSENT COUSIN AND MAKING PLANS
REFUSING TO MAKE END-OF-LIFE-DECISIONS AND PLANNING A SENSIBLE FUNERAL
GRIEVING FOR A POODLE, SHOPPING FOR HOSPICE AND HAVING TROUBLE WITH A SPIRITUAL COUNSELOR
A CHILD MOLESTER, A DYING FRIEND AND MISSTEPS IN FRONT OF A WIDOW
A POLITICIAN'S DEMISE, A WIDOW'S FINANCES AND ADVICE FOR A SIMPLE FUNERAL
THE METAPHYSICS OF ASH SCATTERING, A LIVING WILL AND A SILENT FRIEND
A DEADBEAT BROTHER, SPURNED IN-LAWS, AND THE ANNOYANCE OF CONSTANT COMPANY
A TYRANNICAL WIDOWER, EMAIL DEATH NOTIFICATION AND AN ILLEGITIMATE CHILD RETURNS
DO I HAVE TO PAY FOR MY PARENTS' FUNERALS?
OFFICE GIFT GIVING GOES AWRY, OVERSEAS EXPENSES AND A CAR CRASH
TOO MANY VISITORS, ADVICE FOR A HOSPICE WORKER AND A CHILD'S ROOM
A HAPPY WIDOW, QUICK DEATHS AND A LINGERING VOICEMAIL MESSAGE
A SON'S PARTNER IN THE FAMILY VAULT, REPRESSED MEMORIES OF ABUSE AND HELL
THE PLEASURES OF CHEESECAKE, A VACATION FROM DEATH AND DYING AT HOME
A NANNY'S LAMENT, A PEDESTRIAN'S DEATH AND A MOTORCYCLE
GIVING UP, THE NEEDY WIDOW AND A FORGOTTEN LEGACY
THE MAN WHO BROKE MY HEART, A CHURCH SCANDAL AND A CALLOUS COUSIN
MY CRAZY SISTER, A WHACKO CHARITY AND WHETHER TO BRING A CHILD TO A FUNERAL
A MURDERED MOM, QUICK WILLS AND RECOVERING FROM HOSPICE
A FRIEND SUFFERS ALONE, CREMATION AND JUDAISM, AND A LONELY CARETAKER
JUDGING LUNG CANCER, GLOATING AT A FUNERAL AND BUYING AN URN
A SECOND OPINION, THE OVERSHARING WIDOWER AND A GUILTY MOTHER
DEBUNKING FUNERAL MYTHS, FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOUR EX, AND A BOOZER FIANCE
ENDING YOUR LIFE, LATE CONDOLENCES, AND CALLOUS CO-WORKERS
A FATHER'S NEW GIRLFRIEND, A DEMANDING WIFE AND REFUSING CANCER TREATMENT
LIVING WILL TROUBLE, A HUSBAND DIES IN JAIL AND A NEW WAY TO BEQUEATH
IN LOVE WITH A WIDOWER, TERMINAL DEPRESSION AND BUCKING DEPENDENCY
GUILT FOR PAST DEEDS, A SICK TEACHER AND RECOVERING A PAIR OF EARRINGS
DEALING WITH DENIAL, A MOTHER'S MALICE AND A WAYWARD WIDOWER
HIDING THE D-WORD, WHEN TO TELL THE KIDS AND HOW TO AVOID SPEAKING AT A FUNERAL
FORMER LOVERS, PRAYERS LEFT UNSAID AND MOVING TO NEW HOUSE
AT A LOSS FOR WORDS, SIBLING DISCORD AND HAVING A BABY
A MANGY DOG, THE DEATH OF A LITTLE SISTER AND DONATING A MOTHER'S STUFF
A PUSHY PRIEST, SUSPICIOUS DENTAL WORK AND GETTING A FRIEND'S GROOVE BACK
AN ENEMY AT WORK FALLS ILL, THE BIG NOTHING AND DENYING THE INEVITABLE
A MISTRESS'S GRIEF, DEMENTIA'S TOLL AND GOSSIP AT THE DEATHBED
DIFFERING VALUES, PRIVATE GOODBYES AND RECURRENT MEMORIES OF 9/11
TROUBLE WITH AN OUT-OF-TOWN RELATIVE, INVASIVE QUESTIONS AND EXPENSIVE SUPPORT
STEP-FATHERS, ABUSIVE EX'S AND DO NOT RESUSCITATE ORDERS
MOTHERS-IN-LAW, UNEXPECTED CHANGES AND HEALTH ANXIETY
DESERVED AFFECTION, THE FAMILY ACCOUNTANT AND ICE CREAM
OUT-OF-TOWN BURIAL, CONDOLENCE NOTES AND EARLY ONSET ALZHEIMER'S
HOW LONG TO STAY, A USED CAR AND A DYING EX-HUSBAND
PAYING THE MORTGAGE AND GRAND THEFT JEWELRY
SYMPATHY CARDS, ASSISTING SUICIDE AND INAPPROPRIATE FUNERAL WEAR
ENERGY, GRIEVING AND MEMORY, JUDY'S THIRD COLUMN
EATING, ANGER AND ATHEISTS, ASK JUDY'S SECOND COLUMN
BIRTHDAYS, GUILT AND SUICIDE, ASK JUDY'S FIRST COLUMN
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