How long to stay, a used Car and a Dying Ex-Husband
JANUARY 7, 2009 TAGS:
Dear Judy,
My dad is receiving hospice care, and he's dying. He's had congestive heart failure for about 5+ years. I came urgently to see him and my Mom, and now I don't know how long to stay.
I have a job, husband, two kids, in another state. I want to be with my dad until he dies, but I don't know how long that will be, and I can't be away from my kids for an indefinite time. They are teenagers, but they still need me.
Help?
Angie
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Dear Angie,
I know exactly what you're writing about, because a similar thing happened to me with my father. I too had children, work and a husband in another state as my father was dying, and the most essential question was -- how to deal with the competing demands of two needy kids and a dying parent, all of them dear to me?
Since about 50 percent of all congestive heart failure patients die within five years of diagnosis, and your father, despite the odds, is still alive, I recognize how difficult medical predictions are for you and your family. An additional 20 percent of congestive heart failure patients survive much longer, so this really puts you in a quandary.
Here's what you need to do: Talk, with your father's permission if you can get it, to both hospice nurses (especially the nurses) and the doctors. It's obvious, since your father is under hospice care, that medical personnel generally believe he will not survive much longer. Hospice care is usually extended only to patients within six months or so of dying (although obviously if the patient outlives expectations, hospice care can continue).
But the nurses who help care regularly for your father may know much more than the doctors on the subject of how long he is likely to live.
Then, when you receive the information, try to figure things out. No one is infallible, of course. But if the nurses indicate your father is rallying a bit or has 4-5 months more to live, in their opinion, you'll know it's time to go home to your kids, husband and job for a while.
After contacting the nurses, be in touch regularly. In fact, call anyone sympathetic and competent who comes into regular contact with your father: That includes volunteers and nurse’s aides. Don't feel like you're bothering them. They’ll be the first to notice the details of a patient’s condition – how much he’s sleeping or how alert he is -- and the more empathetic among them will respond to your questions.
If you keep in regular touch, those nurses and doctors will likely advise you when it’s time to return to your father to say a final goodbye.
And thank you for writing.
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
My older sister died of cancer last year, and left specific instructions in her will: Her car was to go to my son, who was then fresh out of college and unemployed. However, when my son got a job, she added, he was to donate that car to the son of the youngest sister in our family.
Recently my son landed a job. However, times are tough, as you know. His job doesn’t pay much and he still needs the car, now more than ever. Without it he can’t get to and from work! He also needs the car on the job; in fact his bosses expect him to drive quite a lot in his own vehicle.
However, my sister says her own son needs the car; that it’s his right to get the car (per our late sister’s instructions). She also says she’s done a lot for me in the past, and the least I could do now for her and her family is do what is right for her son.
I hate that my late sister’s legacy could turn into a long family feud, but I don’t see a lot of options here.
Do you?
Fawn
Dear Fawn,
Frankly, I see only one legal and moral option here: and that’s to abide by your late sister’s last wishes. I’m not saying that leaving a car – or indeed any valuable possession -- to an assortment of relatives in varying economic circumstances is the smartest will provision I’ve ever heard of. It’s a total disaster, as you’ve found out.
After all, the most important outcome of a good will is to reduce the likelihood of a bad feud. Instead, that idiotic car legacy has heightened it.
Also, if the vehicle in question isn’t some old tin can but is in fact worth a lot, one nephew giving it to another may have tax consequences for them both. You better consult the Kelley Blue Book and a lawyer about that part.
But from what I gather, your late sister, however misguided her methods, wanted only one thing: to provide for her young nephews until they managed to stand on their own two feet. Your son landed a job. He’s standing tall. If he needs a car to continue in that job, you have some options.
You can help him out with the cost of a car lease. Or – and this might be your smartest and most family-friendly tactic -- you can ask your sister and nephew if they’ll accept as a temporary measure a monthly rental for the car in question, at least until your son manages to save enough to purchase or lease his own.
If you stress the possibly hefty tax consequences of shifting the car from one family member to another, you might find your sister very amenable to that last solution!
Thank you for writing.
Judy
--
Hi Judy,
I have a 13-year-old son with my ex. The ex walked out on me when I was pregnant and rarely looked back. He drifted in and out of our lives several times in the early years, but nothing stable. He would promise our son the world, and then drop off the face of the earth once again. He never paid a dime of child support.
About a week ago, my ex contacted me out of the blue. He has lung cancer, it turns out. He wants to talk to our son.
What should I do?
I can't refuse to tell our son that his biological father is dying, can I? I have always been honest about my ex with my son, but tried not to bad-mouth him. My son has formed his own opinions about his father, however, and is very bitter.
I'm afraid if my son doesn't visit his dying father and try to mend broken fences, he'll regret it for the rest of his life. At the same time, my son has been through so much -- I don't want to see him hurt again.
To make matters more complicated: I remarried two years ago, a wonderful man who loves us both. But I never really have gotten over my ex. When I love someone, it is forever. My ex was my first love, and when he abandoned us, I was completely crushed. I also happen to love my husband very much, but I can't help the feelings I've kept hidden for all these years for the man who trashed our lives.
So the long and short of it, Judy, is -- I don't want to see anyone else get hurt!
Any advice?
Joyce in Michigan
From a careful reading of your e-mail, I can see that you are confusing your reactions to your former husband’s illness with those of your teenage son. I realize your son is bitter. You both have plenty of reason to be, from the events you describe. But your first instincts -- namely that it's important for your child to say goodbye, even to a distant, irresponsible, and disappointing father -- are, I believe, correct.
So: 1) No, you cannot hide the father’s lung cancer from your child.
And 2) It would be a good idea for your son to visit his biological father at least once. Of course, he may not want to visit, and you must prepare yourself for that. But in your shoes, I would counsel him to go: There are things to be said, and the father should do most of the talking. If your son adamantly refuses to see his father, that’s his decision, and it should be final. In this instance, he is the boss.
Now for the rest of your letter, the stuff you haven't asked, but simply hinted at, which is clearly very much on your mind. In your place, I wouldn't go see the ex-husband. You say you have an affectionate spouse, who cares for you and your son. How fortunate for you both.
You say you never forgot your first love: Well, none of us does -- ever. But that doesn't mean we have to involve ourselves in their lives, even if those lives are coming to a close.
Thank you for writing.
Judy
My dad is receiving hospice care, and he's dying. He's had congestive heart failure for about 5+ years. I came urgently to see him and my Mom, and now I don't know how long to stay.
I have a job, husband, two kids, in another state. I want to be with my dad until he dies, but I don't know how long that will be, and I can't be away from my kids for an indefinite time. They are teenagers, but they still need me.
Help?
Angie
Dear Angie,I know exactly what you're writing about, because a similar thing happened to me with my father. I too had children, work and a husband in another state as my father was dying, and the most essential question was -- how to deal with the competing demands of two needy kids and a dying parent, all of them dear to me?
Since about 50 percent of all congestive heart failure patients die within five years of diagnosis, and your father, despite the odds, is still alive, I recognize how difficult medical predictions are for you and your family. An additional 20 percent of congestive heart failure patients survive much longer, so this really puts you in a quandary.
Here's what you need to do: Talk, with your father's permission if you can get it, to both hospice nurses (especially the nurses) and the doctors. It's obvious, since your father is under hospice care, that medical personnel generally believe he will not survive much longer. Hospice care is usually extended only to patients within six months or so of dying (although obviously if the patient outlives expectations, hospice care can continue).
But the nurses who help care regularly for your father may know much more than the doctors on the subject of how long he is likely to live.
Then, when you receive the information, try to figure things out. No one is infallible, of course. But if the nurses indicate your father is rallying a bit or has 4-5 months more to live, in their opinion, you'll know it's time to go home to your kids, husband and job for a while.
After contacting the nurses, be in touch regularly. In fact, call anyone sympathetic and competent who comes into regular contact with your father: That includes volunteers and nurse’s aides. Don't feel like you're bothering them. They’ll be the first to notice the details of a patient’s condition – how much he’s sleeping or how alert he is -- and the more empathetic among them will respond to your questions.
If you keep in regular touch, those nurses and doctors will likely advise you when it’s time to return to your father to say a final goodbye.
And thank you for writing.
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
My older sister died of cancer last year, and left specific instructions in her will: Her car was to go to my son, who was then fresh out of college and unemployed. However, when my son got a job, she added, he was to donate that car to the son of the youngest sister in our family.
Recently my son landed a job. However, times are tough, as you know. His job doesn’t pay much and he still needs the car, now more than ever. Without it he can’t get to and from work! He also needs the car on the job; in fact his bosses expect him to drive quite a lot in his own vehicle.
However, my sister says her own son needs the car; that it’s his right to get the car (per our late sister’s instructions). She also says she’s done a lot for me in the past, and the least I could do now for her and her family is do what is right for her son.
I hate that my late sister’s legacy could turn into a long family feud, but I don’t see a lot of options here.
Do you?
Fawn
Dear Fawn,
Frankly, I see only one legal and moral option here: and that’s to abide by your late sister’s last wishes. I’m not saying that leaving a car – or indeed any valuable possession -- to an assortment of relatives in varying economic circumstances is the smartest will provision I’ve ever heard of. It’s a total disaster, as you’ve found out.
After all, the most important outcome of a good will is to reduce the likelihood of a bad feud. Instead, that idiotic car legacy has heightened it.
Also, if the vehicle in question isn’t some old tin can but is in fact worth a lot, one nephew giving it to another may have tax consequences for them both. You better consult the Kelley Blue Book and a lawyer about that part.
But from what I gather, your late sister, however misguided her methods, wanted only one thing: to provide for her young nephews until they managed to stand on their own two feet. Your son landed a job. He’s standing tall. If he needs a car to continue in that job, you have some options.
You can help him out with the cost of a car lease. Or – and this might be your smartest and most family-friendly tactic -- you can ask your sister and nephew if they’ll accept as a temporary measure a monthly rental for the car in question, at least until your son manages to save enough to purchase or lease his own.
If you stress the possibly hefty tax consequences of shifting the car from one family member to another, you might find your sister very amenable to that last solution!
Thank you for writing.
Judy
--
Hi Judy,
I have a 13-year-old son with my ex. The ex walked out on me when I was pregnant and rarely looked back. He drifted in and out of our lives several times in the early years, but nothing stable. He would promise our son the world, and then drop off the face of the earth once again. He never paid a dime of child support.
About a week ago, my ex contacted me out of the blue. He has lung cancer, it turns out. He wants to talk to our son.
What should I do?
I can't refuse to tell our son that his biological father is dying, can I? I have always been honest about my ex with my son, but tried not to bad-mouth him. My son has formed his own opinions about his father, however, and is very bitter.
I'm afraid if my son doesn't visit his dying father and try to mend broken fences, he'll regret it for the rest of his life. At the same time, my son has been through so much -- I don't want to see him hurt again.
To make matters more complicated: I remarried two years ago, a wonderful man who loves us both. But I never really have gotten over my ex. When I love someone, it is forever. My ex was my first love, and when he abandoned us, I was completely crushed. I also happen to love my husband very much, but I can't help the feelings I've kept hidden for all these years for the man who trashed our lives.
So the long and short of it, Judy, is -- I don't want to see anyone else get hurt!
Any advice?
Joyce in Michigan
From a careful reading of your e-mail, I can see that you are confusing your reactions to your former husband’s illness with those of your teenage son. I realize your son is bitter. You both have plenty of reason to be, from the events you describe. But your first instincts -- namely that it's important for your child to say goodbye, even to a distant, irresponsible, and disappointing father -- are, I believe, correct.
So: 1) No, you cannot hide the father’s lung cancer from your child.
And 2) It would be a good idea for your son to visit his biological father at least once. Of course, he may not want to visit, and you must prepare yourself for that. But in your shoes, I would counsel him to go: There are things to be said, and the father should do most of the talking. If your son adamantly refuses to see his father, that’s his decision, and it should be final. In this instance, he is the boss.
Now for the rest of your letter, the stuff you haven't asked, but simply hinted at, which is clearly very much on your mind. In your place, I wouldn't go see the ex-husband. You say you have an affectionate spouse, who cares for you and your son. How fortunate for you both.
You say you never forgot your first love: Well, none of us does -- ever. But that doesn't mean we have to involve ourselves in their lives, even if those lives are coming to a close.
Thank you for writing.
Judy
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COMMENTS (1) TO ADD A COMMENT, PLEASE FIRST SIGN IN OR REGISTER.
Richard Goodwin wrote on January 7, 2009 3:59pm
Judy's advice to Angie about how long to stay is spot on! A few years ago I had a close friend on the other side of the country dying of pancreatic cancer in a palliative care hospice. It was hard for me to judge when to make the trans-continental trip to farewell my friend. In the end, I phoned the hospice staff and they advised me on the timing. I spent a whole Sunday afternoon with my dying buddy and flew home the next night. He died four days later. As it turned out, I'd got to spend his last Sunday alive reliving our great times together and sorting out the problems of the world. It was perhaps the most precious (and painful) Sunday of my life. Richard Goodwin Perth, Western Australia [Report Comment]
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