In Love with a widower, Terminal Depression and Bucking Dependency
APRIL 29, 2009 TAGS:
Dear Judy,
I can hardly stand to write this, I'm so embarrassed. My older sister died a year ago, more or less. It wasn't a big surprise. She had uncontrollable diabetes. Also, she was very overweight and weak, never exercised and didn't take care of herself the way she should have.
My problem is her husband. I've been crazy about him for a few years now. Obviously, while my sister was alive I never told him, my brother or anyone about my feelings. Now that she’s dead, my feelings for him are getting a lot worse. Meaning they're getting stronger. He was very upset by my sister's death: They have a son who’s 8. I was sad too, but obviously conflicted about many things.
Would it be bad for me to tell this man how I feel about him now? If I do, I know my mother will freak. She was abandoned by my father right after I was born, so she has a lot of thoughts on the subject of love and marriage, as you can imagine. Also, I’m not too sure how the rest of our extended families will react.
I don't know what to do, which is why I'm writing you.
Randi
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Dear Randi,
I'm in a really bad position here since you haven't given me a clue about your brother-in-law -- namely, whether or not he's ever shown any indication that he's interested in you. Which is a fairly important factor.
I'd also say, given that your sister has been dead only a year ("more or less," as you mention), that it might be way too soon for you to broach the subject of your feelings to this man. And certainly way too soon for the 8-year-old child to discover that his aunt is about to take his mother’s place.
The very fact that you feel, as you put it, "embarrassed" by your emotions suggests that now is not the time to discuss anything personal with him. Frankly, it may never be the time. I am of the firm belief that if your brother-in-law ever does get around to feeling something stronger than affection for you, he will eventually get around to acknowledging it -- in his own time, in his own way.
As for your mother, your brother or anyone else in the extended family: I don't think this is the time to confide in them – or indeed
anyone.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
To my mind bad uncontrollable depression is as much a terminal disease as anything any of your readers usually write in about.
My wife has what I'd call "terminal depression," and so far nothing has proved a permanent cure, and we've tried just about every pill, shrink and medication you can name, including "spritual healing" at an Arizona spa, which cost a fortune ($30,000) and which I don't recommend.
She's tried to kill herself three times. Once I found her on the floor near our teenager's room, her wrists slashed. There was blood all over the place. Every time, I’ve managed to rescue her and get her to a hospital in time.
But I don't know what to do next. She goes to a shrink twice a week, and I think he's a charlatan. Part of me feels, well if my wife wants to die so badly, maybe the next time I should just let her.
Our teenager has been gravely impacted, as you can imagine. She thinks maybe the whole thing is my fault, otherwise why would her mother want to die? I have no answers.
Maybe you do?
Ted
Dear Ted,
OK, we both know you can't let your wife die just because sometimes she wants to, and you’re getting sick of cleaning up after her. Among other things, that would devastate your daughter.
And we also both know that whatever happens to your wife, something has to be done -- now! -- to help your daughter.
So may I suggest a good therapist for your teenager? And by "good" I mean someone who has a fine track record with adolescents, preferably a woman. I'll bet you have friends with daughters who've needed help. Or your daughter’s school counselor might have a list of therapists who specialize in helping adolescents. Ask around, get recommendations.
As to your wife: Get another, better therapist for her. Fast. Once again, ask around. Tell the new therapist your wife needs new meds. Shake up the old system if it wasn't working.
The worst thing you can do is to do nothing.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
I don't mean to be mean. My first cousin is a lovely woman, in her early 30s. She was married to a much older man, who loved her for the very things the rest of us in the family can't stand: her dependency (which he abetted), her childlike ways (always giggling like a school girl), her general neediness.
She never balanced her own checkbook or hired a gardener or a handyman. He did everything for her.
Well, he died last summer of a horrible disease: bone cancer. We all helped out as much as we could when he was ill, and she was clearly miserable and helpless. Which only fueled my cousin's feelings of neediness and dependency. After his death, though, things got worse, believe it or not. Now there was no one living with her who could assuage her demands.
I happen to be jobless right now. You know what the economy is like. So I'm at home a lot. Or at least available, with a lot of time on my hands.
My cousin calls me every single day, sometimes twice a day, with demands and pleas. Can we go to the movies? Can I bring over a cooked dinner, she's too tired to move. Can I watch a DVD with her? Can I go through her closets and weed out the stuff she no longer wears, and then bundle it up and give it to charity?
I'm tired. And I'm job-hunting. And I'm sick of always being at her beck and call. I need to have a life, too!
What can I do?
Cynthia
Dear Cynthia,
Try saying No. It works.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
I can hardly stand to write this, I'm so embarrassed. My older sister died a year ago, more or less. It wasn't a big surprise. She had uncontrollable diabetes. Also, she was very overweight and weak, never exercised and didn't take care of herself the way she should have.
My problem is her husband. I've been crazy about him for a few years now. Obviously, while my sister was alive I never told him, my brother or anyone about my feelings. Now that she’s dead, my feelings for him are getting a lot worse. Meaning they're getting stronger. He was very upset by my sister's death: They have a son who’s 8. I was sad too, but obviously conflicted about many things.
Would it be bad for me to tell this man how I feel about him now? If I do, I know my mother will freak. She was abandoned by my father right after I was born, so she has a lot of thoughts on the subject of love and marriage, as you can imagine. Also, I’m not too sure how the rest of our extended families will react.
I don't know what to do, which is why I'm writing you.
Randi
Dear Randi,I'm in a really bad position here since you haven't given me a clue about your brother-in-law -- namely, whether or not he's ever shown any indication that he's interested in you. Which is a fairly important factor.
I'd also say, given that your sister has been dead only a year ("more or less," as you mention), that it might be way too soon for you to broach the subject of your feelings to this man. And certainly way too soon for the 8-year-old child to discover that his aunt is about to take his mother’s place.
The very fact that you feel, as you put it, "embarrassed" by your emotions suggests that now is not the time to discuss anything personal with him. Frankly, it may never be the time. I am of the firm belief that if your brother-in-law ever does get around to feeling something stronger than affection for you, he will eventually get around to acknowledging it -- in his own time, in his own way.
As for your mother, your brother or anyone else in the extended family: I don't think this is the time to confide in them – or indeed
anyone.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
To my mind bad uncontrollable depression is as much a terminal disease as anything any of your readers usually write in about.
My wife has what I'd call "terminal depression," and so far nothing has proved a permanent cure, and we've tried just about every pill, shrink and medication you can name, including "spritual healing" at an Arizona spa, which cost a fortune ($30,000) and which I don't recommend.
She's tried to kill herself three times. Once I found her on the floor near our teenager's room, her wrists slashed. There was blood all over the place. Every time, I’ve managed to rescue her and get her to a hospital in time.
But I don't know what to do next. She goes to a shrink twice a week, and I think he's a charlatan. Part of me feels, well if my wife wants to die so badly, maybe the next time I should just let her.
Our teenager has been gravely impacted, as you can imagine. She thinks maybe the whole thing is my fault, otherwise why would her mother want to die? I have no answers.
Maybe you do?
Ted
Dear Ted,
OK, we both know you can't let your wife die just because sometimes she wants to, and you’re getting sick of cleaning up after her. Among other things, that would devastate your daughter.
And we also both know that whatever happens to your wife, something has to be done -- now! -- to help your daughter.
So may I suggest a good therapist for your teenager? And by "good" I mean someone who has a fine track record with adolescents, preferably a woman. I'll bet you have friends with daughters who've needed help. Or your daughter’s school counselor might have a list of therapists who specialize in helping adolescents. Ask around, get recommendations.
As to your wife: Get another, better therapist for her. Fast. Once again, ask around. Tell the new therapist your wife needs new meds. Shake up the old system if it wasn't working.
The worst thing you can do is to do nothing.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
I don't mean to be mean. My first cousin is a lovely woman, in her early 30s. She was married to a much older man, who loved her for the very things the rest of us in the family can't stand: her dependency (which he abetted), her childlike ways (always giggling like a school girl), her general neediness.
She never balanced her own checkbook or hired a gardener or a handyman. He did everything for her.
Well, he died last summer of a horrible disease: bone cancer. We all helped out as much as we could when he was ill, and she was clearly miserable and helpless. Which only fueled my cousin's feelings of neediness and dependency. After his death, though, things got worse, believe it or not. Now there was no one living with her who could assuage her demands.
I happen to be jobless right now. You know what the economy is like. So I'm at home a lot. Or at least available, with a lot of time on my hands.
My cousin calls me every single day, sometimes twice a day, with demands and pleas. Can we go to the movies? Can I bring over a cooked dinner, she's too tired to move. Can I watch a DVD with her? Can I go through her closets and weed out the stuff she no longer wears, and then bundle it up and give it to charity?
I'm tired. And I'm job-hunting. And I'm sick of always being at her beck and call. I need to have a life, too!
What can I do?
Cynthia
Dear Cynthia,
Try saying No. It works.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
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COMMENTS (2) TO ADD A COMMENT, PLEASE FIRST SIGN IN OR REGISTER.
danielle willett wrote on April 29, 2009 5:29am
Also in response to the teenager and grief... Great site is the Children's Room . Nonprofit support for children, teens and families in grief... Like minded people and experiences may help everyone on this journey. [Report Comment]
danielle willett wrote on April 29, 2009 5:26am
Judy and others, Having been widowed at an early age, 5 years ago, I would recommend taking it slowly in the love department. I A gentleman and myself got married , both within 3 years of losing our spouses. We both felt that this was it. It was in some sense but we were still healing our wounds, hoping the other would assist in closing the hurt. We are now in a mutual divorce , so another grief abounds. Provide room for your projected suitor , provide room for yourself. Envision the beauty of each day and time shared but create the space for change for each other. Love is great, support is great. Take time. [Report Comment]
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PAYING THE MORTGAGE AND GRAND THEFT JEWELRY, ASK JUDY'S FIFTH COLUMN
SYMPATHY CARDS, ASSISTING SUICIDE AND INAPPROPRIATE FUNERAL WEAR, JUDY'S FOURTH COLUMN
ENERGY, GRIEVING AND MEMORY, JUDY'S THIRD COLUMN
EATING, ANGER AND ATHEISTS, ASK JUDY'S SECOND COLUMN
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